I am planning to take my girlfriend to Jamaica over spring break. My parents, however, would not be down with that, and since they are the ones paying for my ticket and accommodations, I’m worried they will find out. To make matters worse, I told my parents that I was going with friends, and one of my friend’s mothers is friendly with mine. What should I do?

There are two responses to this question, depending on the type of person you are. If you have a conscience that is prone to acting up and making you feel guilty, I would tell your parents and just pray that they end up giving in. They should realize that if you and your girlfriend are at the same school, you are most likely hanging out without parental supervision anyways, so this trip would be no different.

But if you are usually guilt-free about things of this nature, then just go on the trip and don’t tell your parents. If your friend’s mom talks to your mom, then just tell her you went with other friends whose parents they don’t know. And lastly, to avoid all parental invasions, why don’t you and your girl pay for the trip yourselves?ÊIf you don’t have enough money, borrow from your parents and assure them that you will definitely pay them back with the aid of a summer job. That way they can’t control who goes on the trip, since you’re the one who will ultimately pay the price. I hope this helps. — L.K.

This lie stands no chance of succeeding. Parents always know when you’ve done something wrong; they’re sort of like Santa Claus, and that’s why we love them. For example, my mother will surely call me one of these days and cry into the phone because I mention masturbation in the next response. The guilt will be of Biblical proportions: “Your grandfather didn’t come to this country and work hard so you could talk about this — this NONSENSE! Who told you about masturbation anyway?” She’ll weep. I don’t know how she knows. She doesn’t even get the Yale Daily News; I mean, can’t a guy have his own life? So what if I’m not the man you wanted me to be, Mom? I’m my own man now, and I’m going to be OK. So just let me go. I need — to be able to grow. I’m like a beautiful bird trapped in a cage, and I’m suffocating. I’m suffocating, OK! I just — I’m sorry, Mom. I love you. I’ll be home for supper again tonight.

Sorry. Um, OK. Listen, you should break up with your girlfriend, because none of us like her that much anyway. Besides, she wouldn’t look really good in a bathing suit — not with THAT ass. Instead, get some of your buddies together and head down to Cancun for a week, or hitch a ride with the rugby team. I promise you won’t regret it. You’ll have more sex this way and you can avoid lying (except to your girlfriend when you come crawling back, which you inevitably will). — A.P.

I have to stay at Yale over spring break to prepare for MCATs and none of my friends will be around. Any suggestions on how to stay sane those two weeks?

Honestly, masturbation is your best bet. — A.P.

Since I am a freshman who hasn’t been here over a break, I don’t really know how to answer, but I will give it my best shot. Why don’t you just take advantage of the free time to actually study?ÊI know you will need breaks at some point, but then just go get dinner and a movie for yourself. You can also catch up on your sleep, if you are like the rest of the students who are seriously lacking in that area. It may seem like a long time, but just think about all the free time you will have for your friends after the break if you get all your studying done. Hey, maybe you will even meet some special someone who is in the same predicament as you!ÊMaybe not, but still — I say, get stuff done and be ready to party when your friends come back. — L.K.