Horoscopes for the Month of December: Chill Yet Not

Aries ~ March 21 through April 20

You’re all impulsive and out of control. What’s with that? You think you’re all bad ’cause you downloaded the “8 Mile” soundtrack? You probably traded sweatshirts with some loser at Harvard, who rooms with your old high school rival who you now pretend to be friends with so you have a place to stay in Cambridge. Sick, yet common. And could you maybe not drink compulsively? Your entryway smells like Natty Ice and bodily fluids, and you’re really pissing off The Management. Get it together. Thanks. ~The Management.

Taurus ~ April 21 through May 20

Taurus tends to seek stability, which explains why you’re still freaking out about the time change. That was in October. Connect with your inner agrarian nature — wear flannels, if you must — and maybe you won’t have such issues. Better stock up on stress-busters (i.e., mood candles, yoga videos, body pillows, therapists, lame crap like that) so you can deal with the fact that the New Year is coming. That vague sound interfering with the pulsations of Enya is the rest of the world laughing at you.

Gemini ~ May 21 through June 21

Gemini, you’re generally filled with the Joy of Life. What better to prepare you for the coming festivities? Wait, let me guess, you got going on your holiday shopping early this year. Oh wait, here comes another guess — you’re annoying the hell out of everyone with your overwhelming and utterly unnecessary enthusiasm for commercial manifestations of holidays formerly known as religious. Do the stars offend you? Silly Gemini, astrology is for agnostics.

Cancer ~ June 22 through July 22

Cancer, you tend to thrive on the exchange of feelings, and can have a wobbly self-confidence. You have probably been crying about how fat you feel after Thanksgiving, while Gemini raves about how wonderful life is. But will you go to Payne Whitney and work it off? Doubtful. It’s more likely that you’ll keep all that rage pent up inside until one dark December night when you and your other touchy Cancer friends will gang up on the local Gemini and beat him or her senseless with your self-help books. Try not to dash out onto the roof afterwards. It won’t work.

Leo ~ July 23 through August 22

You’re not as “well-endowed” as one, but you’re a lion — playful, yet demanding. Unlike Aries, you didn’t trade sweatshirts with some loser at Harvard. It’s more likely that you hooked up with some loser at Harvard (and don’t even try to blame it on beer goggles, the stars know the truth) and then ran away at dawn with whatever you could grab. In other words, you now have some nasty-smelling souvenirs that you can’t display without drawing attention to your newfound shame. The directive of the stars is to buy some Febreeze and get tested.

Virgo ~ August 23 through September 22

Whoa, you’re still alive? What happened to you? You look like shiznaz. You’ve been running like a brothel but without the after-glow. You’ve most likely managed to convince yourself that you have been in desperate, dramatic, irreconcilable situations one after the other — which, of course, are all your fault. Maybe you should analyze these situations just a little bit more, because your roommates aren’t at all tired of feeling sorry for your pathetic existence and listening to you sob yourself to sleep. Ever wonder why everyone is so busy all of a sudden?

Libra ~ September 23 through October 23

Libra, you have a tendency to be dependent. So whose house are you staying at over break this year? Going to weasel your way into yet another family and alienate a close friend in the process? Or maybe you’re going home, but you’re going to go online every minute of vacation so as not to miss a minute from your *best* friends. Best friends *ever.* Bet they’ll be missing you really badly as they party it up with the folks while you pout at the kiddie table.

Scorpio ~ October 24 through November 22

Scorpios tend to be jealous. What’s that, everyone got more presents than you did? Ooh, poor baby. What’s that, everyone got mo’ ass at The Game than you did? Too bad you wound up with the weird rash. Your New Year’s resolution should be to buy some ointment. Maybe if you weren’t so darn shifty you’d make real friends and they’d give you real holiday gifts. Let me guess, you’re on Libra’s buddy list?

Sagittarius ~ November 23 through December 21

A slut of the worst kind, you tend to be goal-oriented and an idealist. Which means you think you won’t gain five pounds over the holidays and you still believe that loser from Harvard is going to call you back. Saggi, baby, don’t stand under the mistletoe looking up with that open-mouthed idealist expression of wonder on your face — the shit is poisonous and no one is going to kiss you with that cold sore you won at Harvard. Scorpio needs to hit the drugstore, and you need to hit Scorpio, so combine that nastiness and you’ve got some holiday cheer.

Capricorn ~ December 22 through January 20

You have incredible powers of self-concentration. Which means — you’re self-absorbed. Incredibly. Don’t even try to convince yourself otherwise. You need structure because, wait, let me guess — you need to arrange the whole world around yourself? This is your season — good thing you bought all those gifts at end-of-the-season sales, because that way you still have a good bit left over for yourself during the post-winter-holiday sales. Better bring Sagittarius with you, since he or she is depressed and your only other friend, Libra, won’t leave you the hell alone.

Aquarius ~ January 21 through February 18

Your character traits center on your individuality, but they range from adaptability to straight up eccentricity. You’ve probably picked up some literature on Wicca or some other freak activity, like a graduate-from-home course on Extra Sensory Perception. Use your intellect and communication skills to out-snob the eccentrics, and maybe they’ll kick you out of your local Wicca organization in time for you to wake up and realize you’re whack. Happy holidays, Wicca hates you.

Pisces ~ February 19 through March 20

Receptive and nurturing, yet ironically unstable, you probably are sharing your drugs with everyone this holiday season. Could you not share with your Aquarius acquaintances? They’re whack enough. You’re very deep and sensitive, but don’t wax philosophical on the stars this holiday season: they’ve had enough of your shit. You’re so “real” it’s sickening. Try to think of a New Year’s resolution that doesn’t involve being mainstream, like going to rehab.