Several weeks ago, a dear friend of mine was putting the moves on a new jenny from the block. He was psyched. The two had been eyeing one another for weeks, and finally, he was about to get the apple of his eye into a very compromising position.
Living off campus, he led her into the luxurious comforts of his bedroom. The ambiance was romantic, the lights dimmed just so, the CD player oozing the smooth sounds of an early ’90s Boyz II Men album. It seemed as if nothing could go wrong. As the two kissed passionately, a panicked voice rang out from just beyond his bedroom door. It was his roommate.
“Andrew, do your parents drive a mint green minivan?” the voice inquired.
Frustrated, as he was just about to round second base and the coach was waving him into third, he answered absentmindedly, “Umm, yeah. Why?”
After a long pause, came the tragic reply, “Well, your parents just pulled into our driveway.”
Needless to say, alarm set in. All of his Don Juan debonair disappeared, as clothes that had been fervently tossed off were now being hastily picked up, buttoned and zipped.
Andrew’s parents had decided to pay their son a surprise birthday visit. Little did they know, he was in the midst of unwrapping his very own life-size gift o’ luv.
Lucky for Andrew, his roommates swooped in for the rescue. They hustled the confused girl up the back stairway just in time, saving her (and his parents) from a most awkward encounter.
A few days later, as Andrew recounted this story to me in the comforts of the Berkeley dining hall, he shook his head sadly.
“I never thought I’d be cock-blocked by my MOM,” he said defeated.
Andrew, though, was one of the lucky ones. He overcame the cock-block. He got the girl (and to third) the following weekend. Yet so many victims of cock-block do not have the suave panache of my good friend Andrew.
In all seriousness, the cock-block is an issue that begs to be addressed. With the football hoopla that is certain to ensue over the next few weeks as Princeton and Harvard give us a run for our money, I’ve got to wonder what it’s like to be the quarterback — to be the man in charge. The football is in your hands, and all you want to do is get it to that tight end, when BAM! Two hulking defensive linemen step into your line of vision and take you out at the knees. Lying on your back, you feel as if it’s all over, and the only thing that you want to do is run the damn play again. You’ll give it to the tight end this time, right champ? No more cock-block for you.
Trying to seal the deal is the age-old problem that faces man. Spitting game (’cause baby you can’t talk it) is hard enough, but what’s a guy to do when the cock-block rears its ugly head? There is no getting around it, no surefire way to dodge that bad boy. (To be unblocked, if you will.)
Imagine that you are at a bar. You spy an attractive girl out of the corner of your eye and sidle up to her with the confidence of a Yale baseball player who has gone on a date with Britney Spears (let’s just say). You introduce yourself, crack a few jokes, and she seems to be very into you. She throws her head back when she laughs, flips her hair a couple of times, and you SWEAR you saw her wink at you over her vodka tonic. You begin buying her drinks, and round after round of stimulating conversation flies by. You check your watch and notice that it’s 1:45 a.m. You have 15 minutes before you can invite her back to your place for a nightcap (cause you’re that smooth kinda guy). You’re patting yourself on the back.
All of a sudden, you turn around, and come face to face with the Highway Robbery Cock-Block. After all those rounds of drinks, a Rico Suave, more intelligent (and more attractive) than yourself, has come over and slung his arm around YOUR girl. They are chatting like two old friends and you are left behind in the dust.
As the clock strikes two, you turn into a pumpkin while she becomes his fairy godmother, granting EVERY one of his wishes.
He stole your girl. The audacity of the Highway Robbery Cock-Blocker is unmatched.
The Hard Knock Cock-Block could just as easily have ruined your night. In this sort, a close friend approaches YOU and spills that he really likes the girl you’re talking to. Your friendship is put to the test and you are forced to let your lady-killer skills slide.
The Inadvertent Cock-Block is yet another ball-buster. This is the school of thought that takes advantage of the “take one for the team” philosophy. The girl agrees to go home with you, on the condition that you find a buddy for her friend. One look at this “friend” and you realize your chances are shot.
The girl looks like the love child of Sideshow Bob and Missy Elliot.
Finally, there is the Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk Cock-Block. In this situation, a best friend swoops in to save one of the inebriated parties from Sunday morning mortification. According to my research, this is the most common type of cock-block.
It also caused quite a bit of conflict during dinner conversation.
Most of the girls at the table adamantly stood behind this type of cock-block, agreeing that safety is a number-one priority — as is not letting friends drive drunk. The male contingent was not so quick to concur.
“We’re pretty much grown up, we’re allowed to get drunk and make our own decisions,” one young man said.
The blonde sitting across the table was quick to counter, “What if you know that your friend could be in danger going home with this person, or even worse what if they’re ugly??”
“Hooking up with ugly people,” he replied, “always makes for a good story.”
The consensus at the table was that cock-blocking was generally bad, though some circumstances called for it. A friend who is involved in a relationship should always be cock-blocked, as should anyone with a known VD. On the other hand, everyone agreed that sluts, as a general category, should be left to their own devices.
“After all,” said one girlfriend, “she’s cock-blocking me by virtue of her very existence.”
Riiiiiight.
Cock-blocks are a reality of dating. Like most other things in life, you win some, you lose some. Cock-blocks, like the movie, “Jackass,” are funny to watch but God help you if you’re involved.
Natalie Krinsky wants you to know that Zachary Corbin ’04 is one hot piece of ace. Facebook him.