Number 1: Girls who pretend not to know us when they blatantly do.

This is not New York City! Yale is a very small community. What the hell game are you people playing, anyway? We know that you know who we are. By God, your friends rant and rave about us all the time. All that we ask of you is a simple hello. We will not construe that as a sexual advance or an indication of your unfathomable desire to bear our children. It is common courtesy that we require — nothing more. This pretense that you don’t know who we are … yeah, it’s not believeable. Try something else.

After two years of these foolish games, we decided to take a stand against one of the more notorious culprits: let’s call her Ms. Bojangles. Picture this: the two of us (Jeff and Steve) are standing outside S.A.E. on a Thursday night because the cops had already busted their show and the men of that glorious fraternity decided to salvage this night with one of their now classic “by invite only” sessions.

We decided that we had a warrant to put on a little show of our own. I (Steve) peeped Ms. Bojangles standing near the entrance to aforementioned frat, and, seeing that there were no other games to be played, said, “Hey, Bojangles, come here.” She immediately sauntered over, primed for the reckoning she knew was inescapable.

I called her on it: “Ms. Bojangles, what game are you playing? You know full well who we are, and yet, you refuse to say a damn thing to us.”

Her reply: “You know Steve, you and Jeff are the only well dressed guys in the library … you guys are very intimidating. And by the way, I love what you guys did with your room … great paint job, really.”

Now, while it’s difficult to debate such discerning logic, this conversation should have taken place over a year ago.

For the rest of you jokers, who know not only our names, but also selected highlights from our Yale careers, say hello. Ladies and gentlemen, we implore you, how much longer can this go on at Yale University? I’m sure we’re not the only ones who have recognized this strange phenomenon. If nothing else, let’s just pretend to like each other and give a simple hello.

Number 2: E-mail decorum.

If I ask you out via e-mail, there is a limit to the amount of time you can allow to pass before replying. That time is not five days, baby! Ya got three at most. Furthermore, when you finally do get around to writing back, there are more rules and regulations that should be at least loosely adhered to.

To begin with, ya gotta not exclamation point my name if by the end of the e-mail, you’ve effectively “peaced me out.”

For example:

“Hey Jeff!

Great to hear from you! I would certainly love to meet up with you … but unfortunately I actually have to go to NYC this weekend and therefore, obviously can’t make it. It shall be done sometime though … Have a good one … “

It shan’t be done baby! You get one chance with me, and you blew it.

If you have absolutely no intention of going anywhere with me, don’t try to spare my feelings. Believe us, we aren’t exactly starving for dates. Our requests are not unreasonable. Not everyone loves us. In fact, after this brainchild of an article, very few people indeed will like us. However, the truth must be told.

Number 3: Pretenders.

Now some of you have taken it upon yourselves to acquire multiple boyfriends in very rapid succession. Now to be fair, as you all know we take pains to do, that’s your business. However, you pretend as if you have no boyfriend at all. We hear rumors that you have made a new acquisition, so when we see you out, we naturally ask about him. But magically, your response is, “What boyfriend, Jeff Goldberg?”

We see you later that night, holding hands with said boyfriend, and once again, the same question is asked, to which you reply, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Jeff Goldberg. I don’t have a boyfriend.”

Now clearly, you individuals are trying to play your stateside games, and that is not altogether unacceptable, but please, don’t take us for such fools. And to the most notorious pretender, my name is not “Stave,” it’s Steve.

Number 4: Female friends who adamantly encourage us to approach a particular girl.

These “friends” are perhaps the most detrimental to our good names.

Imagine this: Your good female friend tells you that a particular friend of hers thinks you are very attractive and that you should definitely ask her out. Trusting her, as you are wont to do, you follow her advice. In return, you are “peaced out” once again. Is it possible that your female friend misjudged her friend’s words that much? Or is she setting you up for failure as retribution for a past indiscretion on your part? You be the judge.

There’s so much more we want to say; catch next month’s lovechild. Until then, reform or face the consequences. Said consequences to be determined at a later date — and that’s calendar date, baby — not a date with you pretenders. n