After surviving the devastating news that Republicans would control both houses of Congress, I didn’t think Election Night could get much worse. No longer able to endure watching the pitiful results come in from the midterm elections and half delirious from working the polls for 14 hours, I eagerly flipped through the channels looking for some sign of sanity in America. Needless to say I only encountered more of the insane. What news did I stumble upon that I found so troubling, you ask? Well, what could be more disturbing than one of Hollywood’s most eligible bachelors getting married to the owner of Hollywood’s most infamous backside? That’s right — according to various reports, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are engaged.
After her two previous marriages to model and restaurateur Ojani Noa and dancer Cris Judd, this would make for Lopez’s third trip to the altar. Sure, the third time is supposed to be the charm, but if the couple does in fact marry, it will more likely be to the tune of “three strikes, you’re out!” At this rate, Lopez will be giving the legendarily divorce-plagued Elizabeth Taylor a run for her money.
I can only imagine what friends and family of this couple must be thinking. I predict one of two possibilities for Ben’s better half, Matt Damon. 1) “Yes! Finally people will stop reporting that we are gay!” 2) “Since Ben and I are so close and must do everything together, maybe all three of us can get married!” Of course, P. Diddy’s reaction to this news might be a little less enthusiastic. I’m guessing that he will probably take a perfectly good old school hit, remix it, and pour his emotions into a mediocre rap that will hit the top of the charts. Sound familiar, anyone?
From media pictures, it is apparent that the two are deeply infatuated with each other. In fact, if you watch J.Lo’s latest video “Jenny From the Block,” you’ll find Lopez and Affleck engaged in public displays of affection that would put any Yale couple to shame. Then again, it wouldn’t take much. Although one would logically conclude that such a loving couple would be capable of sustaining a long and prosperous marriage, let us not forget what happened to another couple who publicized their love in a music video: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie.
What this former Fly Girl fails to realize is that YOU DON’T HAVE TO MARRY EVERYONE YOU DATE. Hasn’t she learned her lesson yet? And Ben: I am fully aware that such a marriage might make you the envy of men around the world, but are you sure you want to do this? I ask this not because you will be breaking the hearts of millions of ladies, including mine, but because such a hasty decision is irrational, insane, and wholly unnecessary.
But we shouldn’t give up hope yet because, with Lopez’s track record, the chances of this Hollywood marriage lasting are as good as the chances of the Red Sox winning a World Series in the near future (or the Angels — wait –) My advice to you, Ben? Leave Ms. Lopez alone and “Bounce.”
Alicia Washington would still take Josh Hartnett over Ben any day.