“Why don’t you just talk to her? This whole ‘let’s go to her dining hall and just watch her eat’ thing is really bizarre.”
“I’ve tried to talk to her, but we can’t connect. She’s a Group IV person. Trust me, it’s just easier this way.”
“It’s just easier to stalk her?”
And that’s when it happened. That word — “stalker.” Please. Some people are just so paranoid! It’s like, you say “hi” to some girl and automatically, she runs off and tells all her friends that some “sketch” is “stalking” her. Can’t I just say hello? Can’t I just call your room in the middle of the night and breathe rhythmically into the phone? Can’t I just make an effigy out of your hair from the shower drain? I mean, come on! That can’t possibly be illegal! I mean, where do we live? Canada?
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But, Bradley, isn’t stalking wrong? Couldn’t I go to jail and be forced to wear bright orange and get sold for a carton of Merit Lites to some guy named Big Mama?” The answer, of course, is no. The only time stalking is undesirable is when it’s done improperly. Don’t believe the police — that Big Mama business is just an empty threat. Hell, that sounds like my typical Friday night.
For all of you potential stalkers out there, I would recommend starting small. I myself am honing my skills so that when J. Ro (Julia Roberts) and her crew pull up to Silliman, I’ll be at the top of my game. I heard she does Tae Bo, and frankly, I am not comfortable with having my rib cage cracked just because I loved “Mystic Pizza.” At least, not yet.
The best place to start is University Health Services. It’s like the way those lions on the Discovery Channel go after the weakest and smallest zebras. Stalking a random freshman, preferably one with crutches or a severe limp, is the best way to start.
Just don’t make the same mistake I did. Humming the theme to “Mission Impossible” and making a “Charlie’s Angels”-style gun with your clasped fists is a surefire way to get yourself noticed (and not in the good way). Also, never ever wear heels (don’t ask) and if at all possible, dress entirely in black. This way, should you get noticed, not only will you blend in with the dark New Haven night, but you’ll be fashionable as well! Just remember, black is slimming (it’s how I get my cardio) and classic, so if you are somehow arrested you will look utterly fabulous in your mug shot. Believe me, I speak from experience when I say you need all the glamorizing you can get. That fluorescent lighting “downtown” is harsh. It’s like they want your picture to look bad.
“Well, Bradley, it’s obvious that stalking works on Oscar winners and freshmen, but what about basic cable stars, or people you just want to date?”
Well, you’re in luck. You see, the people in those last two categories will also respond favorably to your freakishly misdirected love. But they may need a little bit more persuasion. Every boy gives his best girl flowers or a stuffed animal on her birthday, but why be predictable? Why not tackle her from the bushes and wave around a Guatemalan machete while screaming satanic prophecies about your future life together and your unborn children? In other words, just make her feel special. Why, it’ll be like Christmas morning every time she runs for her entryway door, clutching her pepper spray!
Anyone can ask a girl on a date, but it takes a truly committed person to build a relationship on uncertainty, fear and cryptic threats of physical violence. C’mon guys, show her that you care, and be sure to wear a ski mask.
Stalking seems like a big time commitment, but it’s also a lot of fun, and good exercise too. Since I started my career as a stalker here at Yale, I have lost nine and a half pounds. This is from a combination of proper nutrition, running, diving into hedges, and hiding in closets for four days at a time.
I can’t tell you the number of people who have come up to me on the streets and said, “Bradley, this stalking thing is great! I’m in the best shape of my life! Why, I feel like I’m 13 again!” Granted, many of these people actually did believe they were 13 again, and that they shared direct telepathic links with Lucifer, but you just can’t argue with results, people.
In closing, I would like to say simply that you ladies shouldn’t feel left out. That’s the great thing about maniacally following people. It’s for everyone! Why do you think I joined the Yale Daily News? You get to meet tons of new people, “walk them home,” and watch them sleep at night. My best advice is, just have fun with it, wear kneepads, and pursue whomever you want. That is, of course, unless you want to stalk me. In which case, all I have to say is, “Get in line, honey. Get in line.”
Bradley Bailey is right behind you.