By this time everyone’s had enough tough love to hear me out on this one: a hookup is hard to come by. That’s right — dropping the Y-bomb won’t come in handy for a few years (Stripper: “You went to Yale?!” Asshole analyst: “But enough small talk, are we gonna f%$?”).ÊSure, they were in the 95th percentile on the Math IIC, but some Yalies wouldn’t even get the “wrote name down correctly” points on the SAT that matters now — the Sexually Attractive Test. Here are the hard numbers: 50 Yalies will be deemed “beautiful” by the pulchritudinous staff of the Rumpus, and that leaves the rest of Ol’ Eli (minus its lacrosse team, “The Fast and the Furious” cast members, and first children) with squat.
OK, insert disclaimer here: I am not actually advocating the following because it is the stupidest plan I have ever conceived.
I hereby advocate that Yale’s executive committee launch a Web site to facilitate hookups: www.bulldoggystyle.com. If the last few weeks’ screw dances have proved anything (besides alcohol’s uncanny ability to normalize otherwise awkward social settings), it is that the online facebook is not a way to meet people.ÊI understand that the administration has other issues to consider — Yale’s No. 2 ranking in Seventeen Magazine’s Kool Skools, Porn ‘n Chicken’s flaccid debut, and that thing about the pissed-off employees or something — but honestly, wouldn’t everyone be ready for “interest-based bargaining” if there were a bit more sexual healing going on?
Here’s the pitch: This summer I saw a carload of hot girls driving home from a club. The car’s license plate read “Prncess,” but let me tell you — it was anything but a fairy-tale ending for these girls. Like so many million hot girls, instead of champagne and a jacuzzi it was going to be a dose of Healthy Choice Double Chocolate Chip and “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.” The only thing they came home with was a dress that smelled like Captain Morgan’s shivered timbers.
If we were to apply economic analysis to this depressing outcome, we could call this a “market failure.” While supply (hot, horny girls) and demand (Will Garneau) existed, these two entities were never matched up, obviously. To further abuse the analogy, if the two sides were to engage in cooperative behavior (the anonymous hookup) there would be a symbiotic economic relationship between the sexes (Toad’s Place would close down). As a side note, I’m no longer an economics major.
I can’t deny that there’s a certain mystique, a magical quality of attraction that would be lost if one relied on Bulldoggystyle.com (BDS). “DoggyStylers” would be shunned, seen as gimp lovers. I can see the taunts now — “Hey man, you gonna bursar a blowjob, hahah.”ÊBut, let’s get this straight: all you Bulldoggystyle.com naysayers need to stop sippin’ on the Haterade.ÊGetting ass at parties isn’t about being good-looking — it’s about sensing surrounding blood alcohol content: BACdar, if you will.
The online dating technology exists.ÊTwo of the bigger names in cyber scrogging, Match.com and Lavalife.com, even offer advice columns: “Use common sense when dating on- or offline: Never Date a Pedophile Again.”ÊThe dating site du jour has to be JDate, the Web’s premier Jewish dating service, where, according to their advertising, a “majority of members have a professional degree and an average household income exceeding $60,000/year.” But if you’re looking to freak similarly educated folk, there’s no hope.ÊGraduates of Brown started a site called “The Right Stuff” that promised the elite in online dating: Ivy graduates only.ÊUnfortunately, the site failed to attract users. Apparently Web-savvy Ivy uglies were reluctant to re-enact those traumatic college years (to get back to economics, inferior goods aren’t marketable, even with age).
ITS, listen up: no one uses the classes server after shopping period — that barren bandwidth could just as easily be downloading PDAs as MP3s.ÊFinally Yale’s blue phones would serve a purpose. Completely hypothetical example: it’s 3 a.m., you just found out your girlfriend has been sleeping with your French TA, and you’re passed out atop the Women’s Table on Cross Campus (yes, this is very hypothetical).ÊNow thanks to BDS, booty ain’t a thang.ÊJust let your fingers do the pimpin’: 2-6969.ÊWithin moments BDS supercomputers have located an appropriate match based on attractiveness, sobriety and general kinkiness.Ê”Thanks, Bulldoggystyle.com!”
But for now, we’ll just have to accept our second-place status with Seventeen and watch as Tom Green, Method Man and Reese Witherspoon decide to go to Harvard.
To: firstname.lastname@example.org From: JDate.com Your account has NOT been activated. Please refrain from including the terms “freaky” “mad back” or “down-ass biznatch” in your profile. Sincerely, JDate.com