You may be wondering where the superabundant articles about Spring Fling have gone to. You may be asking yourself, “Why isn’t the Yale Daily News writing 13 articles about Guster, and student reactions to Guster, and student reactions to student reactions to Guster?”
The answer is simple. Guster said they would give us an interview, and then they, much like our boyfriends, never called. So instead we bring you just what you always wanted.
THE OFFICIAL SCENE GUIDE TO SPRING FLING.
What you should probably do is start drinking immediately in the shower. Remember. Totally naked. The more drunk you are, the better the band will sound. And remember, it is Guster. So the more drunk you are, the more they’ll sound like somebody else.
You’ll definitely need something to eat to sustain the level of attention you’re coming to have to commit to drinking. Old Campus has a nice buffet setup. It’s no Roomba, but you’ll appreciate a leisurely beef-based brunch. Take note, everyone around you looks better than you do. Also note, this is the one day of the year where you actually realize how few people you know at Yale. Yes, they are all noticing that they look better than you.
The courtyards are a perfect place for a post-brunch, pre-concert carouse. Purchase some 40s, put on some tunes, and chill with your best buds. Remember, don’t invite your Toad’s hook-up, the bootycam shot of her ass — well — it was to scale.
Be careful crossing Elm Street as you head back to Old Dirty Campus. No one wants to tell your parents why you happened to end up on the front of the Yale transit bus.
Stake out a position that’s not too close to the action. No one is actually wanting to listen to this thing.
Your only goal is to cuddle up next to that special someone who, during the day, you just tend to stare at obsessively from the back corner of the dining hall. Note: flagrant PDAs aren’t a popular option. No one wants to be reminded of how he’s not getting ass.
After the music ends, you’ll find yourself in the strange situation of being drunk at 7 p.m. While this was a normal state for your father just prior to the divorce, its something entirely new to you. Do NOT TAKE A NAP. This will kill the rest of your evening.
Instead, eat more food. There are a plethora of take-out options available: Ivy Noodle, Gourmet Heaven, Naples. Take the food to Cross Campus and, once again, chill with your buds. We cannot emphasize the “chilling” part enough. You’ve had a rough semester. What with your parents and your brother and all. Reminder to all those afflicted with mono: your liver is swollen. DO NOT DRINK. You will die.
For everyone else, after the massive consumption of booze and snacks, we recommend a hot shower. Maybe a bit of booting and then a lot of rallying is in order. The night cannot end with you in your boxers, falling asleep on the couch, at 9 p.m. And please, resist the temptation to masturbate.