This is not a humor piece. I beg of you: read it, consider it, but above all things, please do not laugh. This is not funny business. This is a serious statement about a serious topic: the presidency of the Yale College Council.
My candidacy rests on two major components. The first is thus:
The YCC is an irrelevant campus institution. This year’s YCC leadership has been among the most competent in recent memory, doing a record amount of things that actually produce results, such as the college readership program. Even with this leadership, however, we have a YCC that wastes hours upon hours debating a resolution that will not affect anybody. It’s time for the YCC to turn its mission statement in for a new set of tiles.
Rumpus is an irrelevant campus institution. It wastes students’ valuable time with silly news stories about topics like squirrels on campus and the number of students who support themselves in prostitution. They do nothing to better the lot of anybody except themselves.
Irrelevance abounds, and I, alongside running mate Matt Johnson ’03, am here to stand up and rein it in. Let us consolidate the irrelevance! By taking the leadership of one irrelevant organization and making it lead a second irrelevant organization, we essentially take two irrelevances and make them one. Does this somehow make them less irrelevant? No, but it’s a start. It contains the uselessness, keeping it from spreading to more people than is necessary.
Once elected, I will institute policies to try to diminish the irrelevance of the YCC. My ideas for this include fewer YCC meetings, time limits on those meetings, and a new range of in-meeting entertainment. I’m open to ideas. YCC meeting margaritas? Screenings of films like “All The President’s Men”? There is a wealth of possibilities. And lastly, things discussed by the YCC will be limited to topics that actually pertain to some sort of tangible end-result. While this may produce a dearth of discussion topics, that’s a risk I’m willing to take.
The other major component of my candidacy is an aesthetic one. I am a natural for this job — I really have the head for this position. My hair is a brilliant shade of salt ‘n’ pepper. The gray tones add just the gravitas that is required by the leader of an organization like the YCC. Gray hair and politics go together like apples and autumn, like lemonade and summertime, like baseball and chewing tobacco.
But you may want some sort of qualification more substantial than simple hair color, so let me elucidate my previous political accomplishments. In the sixth grade, I was elected to the Student Council.
The time has come to ask yourselves: do you take the YCC seriously? I didn’t think so.
Jared LeBoff is a junior in Silliman College.