Three times a week I end up sitting in my history lecture for a few minutes before Glenda Gilmore begins to speak. I used to think that people would avoid sitting by me out of respect. Now I suspect that I just smell — I’ve discovered that the Speed Stick “Sport” scent is carefully calibrated to mimic the smell of the late John Belushi’s hotel bathroom. But before I came up with this theory, I thought the rest of the students were just trying to fill up the room.
After all, why sit near someone when there are plenty of other seats to fill. That’s what I would do. It’s like not occupying the urinal immediately next to another guy. It’s an unwritten rule. So you can imagine my surprise when an odd looking couple decided to sit directly down in front of me last week. My first thought was that they were visual aides for what happens when first cousins have children. My second thought was that by April 1, I should have found a friend to sit with.
After maybe a few minutes of dutiful note-taking passed, I felt something spraying against my face lightly. I opened my eyes, hoping for a pleasant surprise like raining goldfish or a wet puppy. Instead, I was struck by the image of the two first cousins going at it.
Apparently, that is not illegal in Connecticut. Nor is it illegal to be such bad kissers that the guy sitting one row behind you is sprayed with your spittle. My theory is that people who don’t know how to make out are the only ones who do it in public. Maybe they are looking for pointers from the general public. Next time you see two hapless fools making out in the Stiles Dining Hall, give a brother a hand. Advise that licking on the eyelid is not a good first step.
But seriously my friends, these people were not putting their best foot forward. Depending upon the relationship of their parents, they might even have two good right feet. Each. If you are going to engage in P.D.A., it should make you more attractive to others. People should walk by and be like, “Wow, I want in on that. My life sucks.”
What I was trying to say here, before my editor Sean McBride ensured that I will never get a good grade in history, is simply this:
If you are going to do something, do something right and don’t half-ass it. In fact, don’t even think it’s cool to pretend that you don’t care, because we know you do.
For example, this past weekend I was at a job interview for a summer internship. I was sitting in an office in New York when some other kid walks in who obviously was just in the bathroom. How did I know? His nice khakis were littered with little wet spots. Not cool. Unless he has a medical problem, he has no excuse.
There is no reason why this guy should not have been upset. He was sitting in his own piss in a room filled with people. Everyone knew it was pee. There was no denying it. Yet, he smiled and sauntered in. I thought, at first, that maybe the bathroom had no electric dryer. But I checked. It did. I can offer no explanation. The only thing I can thing of is that this person did not know his “good foot” from his “bad foot.”
Good Foot — clean pants. Bad Foot — pissy pans. Is this not clear to anyone else?
I feel like the only good excuse for this dilemma is that some people don’t understand their own potential. Luckily, some web genius has figured out a way to clue people in. It’s called “www.hotornot.com.” This website is like an online facebook, only better. You can get to the website, and then–better than our version–tell them what you think of them by voting. I have found that this works better than telling people in person.
People then can sign online and find out what is their average score. You might think that this is just a website that will tell you how attractive you are. I say, you are wrong. Post two pictures. In one picture, be yourself. In the other, be someone better. Clean yourself up. Then post both pictures. Look at your score difference. It will tell you something about how other think of you when you put your best foot forward.
Moral of the story: life is like juggling. You can drop a club and pick it up and no one will notice. Take, for example, bathroom guy. He could have just dumped water all over himself instead of having a few wet spots. Then it would have been like he had a bladder problem and that is a medical anomaly. Only jerks don’t give jobs to people with medical anomalies.
Steven Abramowitz is a very busy man.