Spring, it seems, is a deeply religious time. One of reflection, of thought, of matzah and of Easter eggs. Unleavened bread is the first true sign that the Yale campus is in full bloom.
Some weeks ago, when we were still encased in the residuals of winter, a friend of mine began discussing Lent. This is the observance that Jews refuse to take on. We draw the line at no bread for a week, and sometimes even that’s a stretch. Lent, I learned, involves giving up an indulgence for weeks on end. Forty days to be exact. This is astounding. A devout Catholic, my friend decided to forgo her one adoring addiction. Her ultimate sacrifice, was — are you ready? — not to hook up for the entirety of Lent. She was a woman on a mission, out to regain her purity perhaps, or maybe to teach herself how to masturbate in forty days or less.
This seemed like an original idea until that movie “40 Days and 40 Nights” was released, and I realized that she just fantasizes incessantly about Josh Hartnet — but no less, she did it. There was no touching, no kissing, no loving for the poor girl for quite sometime. The aphrodisiacs she took in from the chocolate at Easter gave her an orgasm on the spot.
Though I was impressed at my dear friend’s commitment and drive, I thought that if I could bring together sex and religion, I will have gone where no woman has gone before. I will have conquered centuries of conflict and struggle, I will be the hero of all religions, uniting faiths and cultures in blissful harmony. So I present to you, impassioned and determined, THE 10 HOOK-UP COMMANDMENTS.
Let’s be honest, if Biggie Smalls did it with crack, I can do it with back (the kind that baby got).
Let the games begin.
1. Thou shall not refer to someone with whom thou has hooked up with twice as a “boyfriend,” someone thou “used to date,” or someone thou was “hooking up with for a while.”
I realized this was a problem once in CCL (read: Toad’s with the lights on) near the computer cluster following this conversation.
Me: “Oh wow! Look at that boy over there, he’s dreamy.”
Girl: “Yeah, he’s hot huh? We were hooking up for a while at the beginning of the year.”
Me: “Really? That’s awesome, for how long?”
Girl: “Uh. You know. We hooked up twice.”
As is clearly evident from the above conversation, this girl had neither the claim nor the authorization to make such a bold statement implying a certain level of commitment that was not present. She violated the first commandment.
2. Thou shall refrain from lying regarding occurrences during a hookup.
This one is mostly directed at the males. For example, if you tell your friends that you “sort of” had sex with someone, you didn’t. Why? Because “sort of having sex” is not an action word. It’s not a verb. It’s impossible, not sort of impossible, REALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
3. Thou shall not insist on being inebriated every time thou hooks up. Thou must understand, that if this is indeed the case, thou art hooking up with hideous looking creatures. Thou also might have some serious emotional hurdles that thou may want to address.
4. If thou is the proud owner of any grossly offensive bodily deformities (having one testicle, having “extras” of a certain body part etc.) thou must warn others about this deformation prior to the hookup. Otherwise thou might lose aforementioned deformation.
5. Thou must refrain from insisting on making love to the sweet sounds of Woody Guthrie or German techno music.
This commandment, although rather specific, should apply across the board to odd music that some people may enjoy hooking up to. Try to streamline your musical style, limit yourself to simplicity — Boyz II Men is an acceptable all around example that will impress the pants off of anyone.
6. Thou shall not be in the proximity when I am using the bathroom post-hookup. Thou must be trained to believe that all girls do not pee, do not emit bodily fluids, do not perspire and are on the whole perfect creatures who roam the earth looking delightful.
7. Thou shall not break out the Kama-Sutra-acrobatic-back-bending-role-playing-twister moves until thou hast made a firm commitment to be with me forever and will say in public in front of other individuals that thou is my boyfriend.
8. Thou shall not reference friends, past hookups or family members during the act as being hot, or wanting to “get on them.” Namely thou should veer away from family members such as grandparents, parents or younger siblings.
9. Thou shall not use the name of a previous hookup in vain more than one year following the hook up. If thou insists on continuing to talk smack, thou art pathetic.
And the tenth, and among the most important of all, is this:
10. Thou shall always take thou’s socks off.
Enough said. The Bible rocks.
Natalie Krinsky is a redheaded stepchild.