Here’s a question: Does the name “Toad’s” make anyone else think of herpes, or is it just me? I mean, you wouldn’t go to a club called “Crab’s,” would you? So why is Toad’s somehow acceptable? Well let me clue you in, Toad’s is not an acceptable name for a nightclub — even a nightclub where you might very well contract herpes (oral herpes — let’s not get ahead of ourselves, folks). “Toad” rhymes only with two other words: “choad” and “street.” And the herpes connection isn’t arbitrary either — everyone knows that toads cause warts (cholera.)

“No they don’t,” you say. “That’s just a myth.”

Ah, but they do! It’s a fact — a scientific fact.

“But Prince Charming was a toad,” you say.

Um, yes, but that’s hardly the point, retarded person. Prince Charming was only a toad when he wasn’t Prince Charming. The girl in the legend doesn’t want to kiss the toad. She wants to kiss Prince Charming. But in order to kiss Prince Charming, she has to kiss the toad first. The story doesn’t teach us that inside every toad there is a Prince Charming just waiting to appear. No, it tells us if the girl wants her Prince Charming, she has to endure the toad first. She has to practice on the toad. Strictly foreplay. Not too heavy. The toad is fragile, cries easily.

Moving right along. Toad was the most distinctly unsexy of the Super Mario characters. And, for the record — his real name wasn’t even Toad, but Toadstool. Toadstool is a great word. You get the word “toad” (herpes) and the word “stool” (stool) both in the same word: toadstool. Toad looks like a mushroom. Dennis Franz also looks like a mushroom. Some people say that Dennis Franz is sexy because he has a sexy mean appeal. Toad, however, has no such appeal. Even people who think Dennis Franz is sexy don’t think Toad is sexy.

“Yes,” you say, “but Princess Toadstool was sexy and she also had ‘toad’ in her name.”

True. I can’t argue with that — especially the part about Princess Toadstool being sexy. But I can argue with the part about her name. It was a mistake to name Princess Toadstool Princess Toadstool (Yes, I just wrote the same thing twice. No, it was not a typo). The Mario designers later realized how big a mistake it was a mistake it was to name Princess Toadstool Princess Toadstool (now you’re really confused).

After all, Mario was a plumber, an Italian plumber, and what self-respecting Italian man is going to put his flower power on the line for a girl named Toadstool? To think that Mario would act in such a way is hardly realistic. A toadstool is not like a peach — which is fuzzy, juicy, and tastes like a peach. Peaches have positive sexual connotations. This is why, with the release of Mario Bros. 64, Princess Toadstool was no longer Princess Toadstool. She was Peach. Furthermore, with the move to 3-D graphics, the princess not only got a name change but a boob job too. This was part of a major advance in silicon gaming. Ha! Get it?

That joke was funny. Even if YOU didn’t think it was.

Nintendo wasn’t the only company to abandon all things toad either. Disney did the same. On Sept. 7, 1998, Disney World closed its Fantasyland icon, Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Let’s stop for a second and appreciate the beauty of that name: Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride– Stop. Appreciate. OK, read on. Incidentally, the ride was later demolished to make way for a Winnie the Pooh ride. But I digress– All I’m really trying to say here is that Toad’s Place needs to get with the times and change its name.

“Is that really all you’re trying to say here?” you ask.

Yes, really.

But while we’re on the subject, here’s another question: How the hell did Toad’s get my e-mail address? And why do they keep sending me this crap about upcoming events? (OK, that was two questions). When Toad’s hosts the Red Hot Chili Peppers, I’ll forgive their spam — but not while they’re hosting the Red Hot Pony Express. By the way, if you actually wanted to see the Red Hot Pony Express, I should say that they already performed. You have my deepest condolences. Back to the spam thing–

Now I don’t want to say, say, that Toad’s improperly accessed the online facebook and used information contained there to form a mailing list. No, I don’t want to say that — because if I did, and it weren’t true, well, that would be libelous. On the other hand, if Toad’s did compile its mailing list from the online facebook, that’d be illegal. But I’m not convinced that’s what they did. Toad’s, of course, operates according to the utmost ethical standards (booty-cam included). I’m sure the managers found some legitimate way to compile a Yale student e-mail directory–

Just a thought.

Don Thompson is a sophomore in Trumbull College. His middle name is Alexander.