For centuries the curious minds of Yale men were consumed by one insistent, probing question:

“Where my bitches at?”

Then, Yale went co-ed. The unanimous cry of Yale men everywhere (but mostly at Yale), “Where my bitches at?” was joined by that of Yale women, who also cried “Where my bitches at?”

Alas, the question stood: Where were the bitches at?

Despite its progressive admissions policy, the University remains stalwart to this day in its refusal to admit canines to Yale. Chapter IV, Article Five of the Undergraduate Regulations 2001-2002 states that “Animals such as dogs and cats do not belong in dormitories — The custodial supervisor has the authority to remove and to send to the pound any animal found in the dormitories.”


Why is Yale so fervently opposed to bitches on campus anyway?

But first, a note to the faint of heart: Some may be offended by my constant repetition of the word “bitch.” Don’t be. “Bitch,” as reproduced in this column, is not intended in any way to degrade the female sex, but, to the contrary, to rectify a centuries-old linguistic injustice. The latter half of the 20th century saw a feminist rebellion against the phallocentric order which involved the common substitution of “she” for “he” as the standard first-person singular indefinite pronoun. Somehow, bitches were ignored in this process. When you refer to your dog, Chloe (please, do not be offended if your name is Chloe — it sounds like a bitch name, you have to admit), are you going to call her yo’ bitch? No. You’re going to call her your dog, not because you believe that Chloe is a man-dog but because you don’t like to say “bitch.” It’s time for this discrimination to stop. It’s time for bitch emancipation. No, bitch ewomancipation.

Also, it’s time to let the bitches come to Yale. Got it, bizatch?

President Levin, if you won’t to do it for the bitches, do it for us. The health benefits of pet ownership are documented well: decreased blood pressure, decreased anxiety, heightened orgasm. What people don’t realize are the vast and wide-ranging social benefits of having canines on campus. I can think of two: puppy love and doggy-style. Students here whine incessantly about Yalies’ reluctance to make the first move toward a relationship. Some of them even write for scene. But the truth is that we could all learn a big lesson about courtship from having some bitches on campus.

Consider, for example, the following hypothetical from a miscellaneous Yale party: Guy walks up to girl, but instead of grinding with her, proceeds to smell her ass. She, flattered, bends over and proceeds to smell his ass too. This lasts about three minutes. Then, assured that each others’ asses smell like asses, the two leave together for a flipside ride on the quadrangle.

Say it with me: doggy-style.

And that’s not all. Girls, have you ever felt unsatisfied by sex with a Yale partner? Like it was his FORMAC midterm and he just wanted get it done? Yes? Well fear no more. Superbitch to the rescue! Canine females have a unique physiological reaction attuned specifically to deal with this lack of endurance among their male counterparts. After Bow Wow has “gone” the select muscles of his bitch, conveniently located in her pelvic region, will constrict around lil’ Bow Wow to prevent withdrawal. I believe the technical term for this is “locking on.” It usually lasts around thirty minutes. See, bitches have lots of nifty sexual maneuvers tucked up their, um — sleeve. I only know the specifics because my family bred our golden retriever, Lucy. Soon after ‘locking on’ Lucy saw a squirrel in our garden and proceeded to chase it, dragging the stud behind her all the way. Yelp!

Also, the newly admitted “bitches” could unite as a splinter group to form Yale’s third sorority: the New Haven Kennel Club. Before any of these reforms can become a reality, however, Yale must admit bitches. President Levin, we implore you, let the bitches come to Yale!

Handsome Don would appreciate the company.

Handsome Don is a sophomore in Trumbull College. He doesn’t always look like this. Only in the morning.