Here were my instructions: I was to write a column on nudity, Halloween, or better yet, a combination of both. Simple enough. Many a Halloween I’ve spent nude. Same for every major religious and federal holiday that I can think of. And that includes bank holidays. And Boxing Day, which I recently saw on a 1988 day planner, and I assume is still a holiday. Pretty much any day off is a day on — for nudity!
Nudity of my nude body, that is.
But I digress. This assignment got me thinking: “What, exactly, are the permutations of this combining Halloween and nudity. In how many ways can they be combined?” Let the brainstorming begin!
1. Nude Halloween. Easy enough. Trick-or-treating, naked. The child with the nicest body gets the most candy.
2. Halloween, Nude. The exact opposite of Nude Halloween. Children are strictly forbidden by law to leave the house nude. They must dress in elaborate, uncomfortable, perhaps painful costumes, and go trick-or-treating, knocking on the doors of their neighbors, who are nude.
3. Naked Halloween. Kids in costumes, adults in regular old adult clothing. Like ties and stuff. But instead of candy, the adults hand out naked people.
4. Halloween Naked. Kids in costumes, adults also in costumes. Pets naked.
5. Butt Naked Halloween. Adults naked, pets in costumes, children in bed.
6. HallNAKEDoween. Pets in children’s beds. Children hand out candy to naked trick-or-treating adult neighbors. Costumes for children are optional, but recommended.
6 (subsection a).HALLnakedOWEEN. Sorry. Caps Lock was on.
7. Nude Halloween Naked. Parents in bed, in costume. Children naked, not in bed. Cavorting optional for both.
8. Naked Halloween Naked. The two words “naked” cancel each other out here. In fact, everyone (children, adults, pets) is heavily clothed, by law. And asleep.
9. Halloween for the Nude. It’s just like Halloween, but you’re dreadfully naked.
10. Naked Nude Mischief Night, Completely Butt Naked. It’s just like mischief night, except instead of hanging toilet paper from the trees, you’re really naked.
11. Nude Hallow’s Eve. That’s what they used to call Halloween in Merry Old England! The presumption here is that everyone gets into a time machine of some sort and travels back to Olden Time England of Old — naked, but of course! Also, the time machine has to look like a phone booth, or else it won’t work, so just forget it.
12. Halloween, but Naked. Naked children go trick-or-treating, and instead of candy are given the ability to grasp the concept of shame for their naked bodies. A lot like Adam and Eve.
13. Halloween, butt Naked. (Please refer to Halloween Naked, and note for filing purposes.)
My instructions were to write this column in 500 words. This column on nudity and Halloween. Right now, I’m at 442. So, for the last 50 words, I’ve decided to tell a scary story all about Halloween– A REALLY scary story (464 words now.) My father told me this story when I was a boy, and his father told him — uh — when he was a boy. (486 words.) My father’s name is Tim. (493 words. So close!) He also likes Halloween– (500 WORDS! HOORAY! Now it’s time to celebrate the meeting of my length requirement with a little, what else, nudity.)
Nudity of my nude body, that is.
And, remember: This Halloween, Naked isn’t just Talking Heads’ underrated last album. It’s also a word meaning ‘nude.’ Be safe.
Greg Yolen is a sophomore in Pierson College. His roommate’s name is Matt. And he’s a big tool. Matt, that is. Greg totally rocks out.