10 On your first day in Colombia, your tongue was cut out by the minions of a drug cartel, who didn’t like your Mickey Mouse T-shirt. But you had a good go of it, mouthing inchoate sounds to the ladies in that cabana bar over your pina colada with a little umbrella.
9 You went to Spain. You thought that dark-haired, olive-skinned beauty of Barcelona was taking you back to her place to make sweet whoopey punctuated by five-minute sangria breaks, but instead she sat you down in front of a sterling silver crucifix and drew ash crosses on the back of your hand until her father the Don came home, dragged you into the street, and beat the snot out of you before cutting off his daughter’s hair over the weeping protestations of his wife. Catholicism is a bitch!
8 Your complexion wasn’t up to Panama City’s standards. Next year, write for Scene and earn a coupon redeemable for five free sun sessions at a local tanning salon open all through February.
7 You are part animal. In addition to suffering the Yale administration’s sinister efforts to squelch their movement to unionize, those Yale students who have the feet of goats and the tails of pigs have a hard time convincing potential mates that their offspring will not be balls of flesh with large but indistinct genitals.
6 You are an instance of one of the following stranger-in-a-strange-land scenarios: a fraternity brother in Paris; a pre-med in an Indian ashram; a Yale professor in Baja California; a member of the Conservative Party in Moscow.
5 You spent your spring break in New Haven, watching snow fall and sucking ice off your toes. After a while, the members of the men’s lightweight crew team start to look like bigger versions of the seven dwarves … snow dwarves.
4 You are hooking up with one of your parents. Romance will never be the same — you should have known!
3 You actually followed the serious instructions of your wacky social psych professor and asked a group of illegal immigrants to play strip poker with you seven times before they set you afloat in the Gulf Canal on a raft made out of palm fronds.
2 You tie your hair in more than two pigtails.
1 You are monogamous, like that species of blind worms that lives out its brief life in the hard soil of Newfoundland.