Best Movie to See This Valentine’s Weekend: “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.”

I hate Bruce Lee. I can’t stand Jackie Chan. I don’t own the “Karate Kid,” yet beyond all comprehension I love this movie. Along with its unbelievably cool fights, this is one of the few romantic movies I can stomach, a perfect solution for Valentine’s disputes between good movies and Miss Congeniality.

Worst Movie to See This Valentine’s Weekend: “Hannibal.”

Could this movie BE any worse? Doubtful. With the stupidest romantic plot of all time, plenty of gore that’s neither scary nor all that gross, and no memorable catch phrases involving legumes, wines and human organs, it’s like an evil mixture of “Tales From the Crypt,” “Weird Science,” “Silence of the Lambs” and “Boogie Nights.” Come to think of it, there is NO holiday weekend for which this movie is appropriate. Send it straight to “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”

Now that I’m done with the movie review section of my column, it’s time for the Yale specific section of our weekly waltz in prose.

Most Hannibal-like Yale Official: Richard Levin.

He creeps me out to no end. I can’t stand the guy. He wants to eat my brain, I’m pretty sure.

Best Yale Official for Valentine’s Day: More of a student, but the prize has to go to Leslie Bibb, old Blue scion extraordinaire, in a certain movie we all saw.

If only she came here, instead of all of our crappy movie stars. Then my life would be complete. Get rid of Levin and inaugurate the era of the Bibb presidency. I can die a happy man.

Least Romantic Yale Restaurant: Au Bon Pain.

After two years of Saturday lunches there, I want to throw up every time I see it. Plus, the valentine’s decor is actually Halloween decor. How creepy is that? It’s like the movie Hannibal in a convenient restaurant package.a

Most Romantic Yale Restaurant: Krauszer’s. No joke.

I have a friend, who shall remain nameless unless she crosses me, who made out with the counter guy at this fine establishment. She got a Charleston Chew out of it, but was it really worth it? Still, they have to grab this award by dint of their seductive salespeople and their new smell-free atmosphere.

Best Valentine’s Day CD: Dido, “No Angel.” Three good songs — that’s three more than all your fancy Korns and Limp Bizkits, and two more than Outkast (I’m sorry, Miss Jackson — that song is legit). Plus, you can look at the pictures inside the CD cover and talk to Dido in a British accent …. um, if you’re weird! Ha ha. Ha ha. Excuse me while I go to:

Worst Valentine’s Day CD: Madonna, “Music.”

The old Dido sucks now. Worst CD ever, not just for V-card day.

Out Campus Publication: Yale Daily News.

What the hell is this uppity Scene section all about, telling me my business about what to listen to and dirty movies and such? And how many articles can they write about GESO? Hint: Nobody in the entire undergraduate reading population cares about GESO. It’s the single most boring thing anyone could ever dread reading about, and I’m including strange state laws and pigeons. Let’s have more weather reports and more editorials. The only parts I can read.

In Campus Publication: The Herald, although I hate everyone else’s Valentines, and it’s going to be irrelevant again in about a week, following the same popularity trajectory as scooters and “Geraldo.”

Out Social Group: Freshman and sophomore girls.

In Social Group: Senior girls.

Out Class: Spence, History of Modern China. Sorry, Mr. Connery, but we have a new —

In Class: Monkey Anthropology (re: sex). Not taking it, but I hear nothing but humor comes from this subject.

Out Column: This one. Sorry. I have to go watch a pirated copy of “Crouching Tiger,” listen to Dido and look through the senior facebook. And maybe come up with some ideas for real columns.