The following article is not suitable reading material for minors, my father, my father’s law firm, Dean Christos Cabolis, my Bubbe, my little brother (I know you’re a man in synagogue, but you just can’t read this), my mother, small animals, paratroopers, Constance the JE dining hall ID-card-technician who recently told me she reads my column, communist sympathizers, my stalker, my protege (okay, actually, Protege, read on), anyone who thinks Sinbad is “comic gold” in “Jingle All the Way” (you know who you are), my professors or future employers. If you fit the description of any of these, please stop reading.

For the rest of you, Happy Valentines Day! And for those of you who didn’t get what you wanted on Wednesday, here’s La Fashionista’s special gift to you: a fully explicit, no-holds-barred expose on what everyone was really thinking about on Valentines Day — fashion in porn.

The fashion world has just been going too long without discussing this key element of the business. And let’s face it. Fashion’s main purpose, when you cut away the bull that led to the Armani exhibit in the Guggenheim, is to get women laid. Don’t tell me you bought that Burberry’s scarf because you like ugly plaid. You want some preppy I-banker-to-be with a secret fetish for Eurotrash to like you. Stop reading “Vogue.” Take a cue from the ladies in “Buttman’s British Extremely Big Tit Adventure.” They seem to get laid a lot more than you, and they got to eat yesterday.

Alright. You’re not reading this to get snide remarks about your eating disorder. You’re reading to get advice and maybe get a tip or two on good porn titles (this week’s featured Web site is DVD’s really the only way to go, folks. It’s the wave of the future. Plus, where else can you get commentary from “Wench #3,” who tells us that her next scene is exciting because it’s her big anal debut. This week’s featured local plug is Nu Haven Book and Video.). And if you’re the creators of the hippest film since “Ivy Leaves,” “The Staxxx,” you’re reading a cover letter for my application as “fashion consultant” on your next project.

For amateurs, there are the standards, the equivalent in the PG-13 fashion world of the basic white Gap T-shirt: lace, panties, Catholic schoolgirl uniforms and cheerleading outfits. I say, stop being cliche. But just as fashion novices shouldn’t try ghetto-chic unless they really know what they’re doing, don’t get into those leather stirrups just yet.

Start by changing your accessories. This season, the ’80s are back for hair and make-up. Shaven pubic regions are in again. Novelty dildos are so camp they’re classic.

If you accessorize right, you can leave the rest to ’90s minimalism, i.e. nudity. I realized while reviewing “Butt Banging Hitch-Hiking Whores” Wednesday night (a good film actually, with my favorite actor from “Conquest,” Vince Voyeur), that nakedness is really the ultimate fashion statement in porn. The fetishist designer Jon Dough said it best when he commented, “There’s nothing like a naked, freshly-shaven woman with a penis.” I couldn’t agree more.

Fashion in porn is more about preference than a lot of other industries. Some people just don’t dig red stilettos as much as others, but the wonderful thing about porn is that, unlike in Milan, personal preferences are okay. A gentleman friend told me the best porn he ever saw was a film shot in New Orleans involving a crawfish and an elderly Swiss man (because I have been to both New Orleans and Switzerland in the past year, this touches me on a personal as well as professional level). Another aficionado told me he prefers other types of seafood in his porn and for him, “a crawfish is just not as valid as that picture I saw on the Internet with that chick with the squid.”

Similarly, statements not normally acceptable in the fashion world can be excellent in porn. I generally hate when chicks gratuitously wear cowboy hats (don’t ask me where the line is, but sometimes a cowboy hat is just not right). But in porn, I think it’s an excellent move. Porn also offers an opportunity to wear items not normally practical in daily New England life — for example, thigh-high boots with dildos strapped to the ankles. Porn is the one area where people can actually wear some of the weird stuff so-called mainstream designers showed in Paris and New York this spring.

For my final thoughts on fashion in porn, I consulted with Scene Editor Peter Jamison’s Aunt Jenna, who agreed to do a phone interview from the split-level she shares with her son Arthur in Fresno. She had very little to say on fashion, but she did want to say this to the readers (and this is an actual quote): “I’m a very goal-oriented person. When I first got into the business I wanted to be number one. That came about probably two years into it, so now that I’ve been on the top for awhile there’s pretty much no where left to go, so I am spreading out. I bought my own strip club, and I would defiantly like to cross over into the straight world.” Well said, Ms. Jameson. I never thought I’d say this in a cover letter, but as a fashion journalist crossing over into the porn world, I can relate. I should have sent this to McKinsey.

So don’t feel sad that you spent Wednesday night alone. Hopefully you enjoyed some porn and got to write a pseudo-dirty article for the Oldest College Daily.