Sorry this is the worst article in the history of the Yale Daily News. Well, that’s actually not true, but I don’t want to name names . I had to write it in half-an-hour on the back of a napkin to get it in the paper.

1) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is better than any party at Yale right now. It’s a phenomenally cool movie, with the best special effects I’ve ever seen. And I’m including Six Heads in a Duffel Bag with its realistic heads and the part in Clueless where Murray shaves his head. The movies about ninth-century China and these warriors who are monumentally famous throughout their part of the country. There’s one hot girl in it, like Temptation Island, who steals a sword, and all hell ensues. The warriors know how to fly everywhere, between trees, up walls and, best of all, across rooftops. Kick-ass fight-scenes, better than seven nights at Toads or 700 at BAR.

2) Speaking of BAR, the worst place in New Haven, there’s a new BAR in town. Risk, across the street from where Gecko used to be, is everything that BAR isn’t. It’s actually cool, with smoke and lights in the right proportion, awesome, irresistible music (I arrived during a Michael Jackson medley) and a fun atmosphere. Plus there’s fondue downstairs. It’s as good as it gets. The drinks are a little pricey — six bucks for most drinks but that’s my only complaint. Everyone should check it out. My friend Cash (you could tell from his name that he was going to plan a party one of these days) hosted the Wednesday party, and that was a huge highlight. All in all, a definite find.

3) The frats are coming back. Awesome news. There have been a few sub-radar parties, 50 people drinking a keg, which are good themselves. But this week is Avalanche at Beta, the best party of the year by far. For the freshmen who don’t know, Avalanche is a party with ice luges. A lot of people go. Then there are the late nights, which are, of course, always welcome. It’s nice not to have the lone option of TJs on a Thursday. Now the policemen can get back to looking for the guys who murdered Nicole Simpson.

4) In line with the Crouching Tiger segment of the article, what Yale’s doing with Broadway is absurd. Why can’t they put in some normal stores/restaurants? They just make mistake after mistake after mistake. First of all, they should put in a fast-food restaurant, a big chain like Mickey D’s or Taco Bell. At this point I’d take Hardee’s. Second of all, they should put in a regular movie theater, one where the movies are neither semi-pornographic or else about 19th-century goatherds. York Square actually pulled off the coup of getting Castaway, but unless they keep doing it we need a sixplex. They can replace Urban Outfitters or something.

5) Marcus Camby should not be out for five games for punching Jeff Van Gundy. Save the Last Dance is an abomination and no one should go see it. The News needs to leave mine and Noelle’s articles alone. Madden 2000 for PlayStation is the greatest game ever made. And Georgetown hoops is the truth. Oh yeah — and Giants 20, Ravens 16.