Melancholy Molly reflects on time’s passing

September 19, 2008
Amusement parks showcase a cross section of humanity that I really like. I like tube tops, fanny packs cinching stomachs, the constant input of food and the output — meaty splat (RIP DFW) — birds snatching crumbs, boyfriends clutching girlfriends, sunburned good old boys. My dad and I totally fit in the Kentucky amusement park »

How was my summer, you ask

September 5, 2008
Ah loyal readership. Last you heard of my faltering existence I was heading off, tearfully, into the sun of Los Angeles, city of douchebags and dreams. This is a tale of the lowest lows and the highest highs, followed by mediocre lows. The first few weeks in LA were as I am sure you can »

Aaaaaaaaaaahhh summer jobs: Part one of two

April 18, 2008
Most people are crossing off the days, gleeful as each passing hour brings them one hour closer to summer. Normally, I would be jumping on this bandwagon. I would be driving the four mules dragging the bandwagon, bassoons swaying in the wind! But not this time. Instead, I am the lone patriot, ugly and loyal, »

A YouTube video of Vin Diesel whinnying

April 4, 2008
The second week of spring break my mom decided that I needed to relax. I said I am relaxed, and she said watching “The Fast and the Furious” love scene montage does not relaxation make. I said rub my back; she said no. I started to sing a song; she said stop. Such began my »

David Attenborough is probably a Byronic Hero

March 7, 2008
My week of hell is over! And I bet yours is as well! In fact, I bet you are not even on campus anymore. Good thing the YDN content is always available online! Now when I say “hell week” I mean midterms and papers, not getting wastey and being beaten and rubbed with oatmeal and »

Hello! I am happy to meet YOU, new friend!

February 22, 2008
Last week I watched a guy vomit on his tray in Commons. I don’t know this dude, but he maintained eye contact with me the whole time he was barfing. What does this mean? That’s the thing with first impressions, right — you only really find out when you made a good one. I haven’t »

No regimen or routine can tame me, Molly Green

February 8, 2008
“Left, left, left, right, left.” “Army of one.” “Be all you can be.” -Various Chants of Army I recently acquired a plant. Plantus is growing at an extraordinary rate! Every morning I bound out of bed to water him from a special cup. And then I take a picture of him, to document his progress. »

No more will The Man get me, Molly Green, down. No Siree bob.

January 25, 2008
“I get knocked down But I get up again I get knocked down But I get up again I get knocked down But I get up again.” -Chumbawumba This past Thanksgiving I ran a 10K with my family. At the time, I hadn’t run over a mile in over a year. And it was sleeting. »

The life of an undeclared junior: No major, just panic

November 30, 2007
“Like B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM” -Wait (The Whisper Song) There is nothing quite so terrifying as listening to “WAIT (The Whisper Song)” alone in the dark. Except perhaps being a second-semester junior without a major. I know everyone else has fears. There are »

Halloween Green on hand jobs and hope

November 2, 2007
Halloween always makes me think of Christmas. Practically speaking, this is because the former always, without fail, foreshadows the latter. But more importantly, I always felt that Ebenezer Scrooge’s canopied bed in “A Christmas Carol” was better suited to a horror film — granted, it would probably be one of those low-grade, soft-porn, sexy blood »


October 19, 2007
Make Love. Make Love. Make Love. Make Love. — “Make Love,” Daft Punk In my college admissions essay, a passionate discussion of sex ed, I referred to myself as “promiscuous in academics.” This must have been darn tantalizing for my admissions officer because his response note said, “This is the essay I have ever read.” »

Green family wacky and accident prone

October 5, 2007
My aunt asked me to read a prayer at my cousin’s bat mitzvah this past Saturday. I’m not particularly Jewish, but I am one of the few family members who can read, walk, stand and speak. The piece had something to do with rainbows, and I was worried about getting through it with a straight »