Author Archives: Emma Allen

Michael Cera’s pretty dreamy. I love to see him putting on and taking off light layers … sweaters, graphic T-shirts, sometimes what appears to be a young girl’s riding blazer. Those ephebean shoulders … Sure, you pathetic nerd whore, Cera’s attractive in a spermy kind of way … As in, if you are attracted to »

“So what I want to know is this. How often do all these hairy-faced men wash their faces? Is it only once a week, like us, on Sunday nights? And do they shampoo it? Do they use a hairdryer? Do they rub hair-tonic in to stop their faces from going bald? Do they go to »

Question: Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is really boring. Do I have to feign interest in other people’s “Cold War” essay topics? Answer: When a Yale student recounts last night’s wacky dream at great length, tells stories about how high school was So Much Fun, lists each and every assignment he or she »

What do you think “safe sex” is? No, I asked you first. You don’t want to define it incorrectly, because that would mean you’re having unsafe sex, right? Or sex that’s less safe than the sex that guy over there is having. Or maybe, if your definition is really wrong, we’ll all finally know that »

Question: Sometimes I want to go a little less green. I don’t want to kill puffins or anything, but won’t Al Gore just get out of my head for a few hours so I can get a good night’s sleep? Answer: My troubled relationship with reducing, reusing and recycling began in the first grade at »

Question: I currently do not have a summer job or internship, and it is causing me to wake up in a cold sweat and spontaneously vomit on myself. Am I the only one left who doesn’t have a cubicle with my name on it at Goldman Sachs? Answer: No. God, I hope it’s not just »

An interview with R.L. Stine, known as the “Stephen King of children’s literature,” who spoke at the master’s tea on Tuesday sponsored by the Yale Undergraduate Magazine. Q:What is your writing process like? A: I write six days a week, usually from about ten to about two-thirty or three. But I don’t really go by »

This article has been corrected. You may view this article’s correction here. Question: The television show “Moment of Truth” seems like the lowest point of human civilization. As a purportedly unethical person, can you explain the merit in this public explosion of feces? Answer: As a human being with a heart and a brain, I »

Question: Just how wild should the girls and boys of Yale go during spring break? Answer: My father recently tried to explain something he called “liability” to me during a discussion about off-campus housing. His mumbling, British accent and use of the word “doodawg” in the place of every noun made it impossible to actually »

Q: Why does no one acknowledge that the American Apparel store coming to Broadway is going to ruin all of our lives? A: Since American Apparel is synonymous with all things ethical (vertically integrated manufacturing, employee-friendly lighting, Dov Charney masturbating in public) I am glad to join you in taking a stand against it. I »

Question: I feel mediocre. Am I as mediocre as I feel? Is there a cure, or am I doomed? Answer: You seem to have the mediocrity blues — a terrible, gnawing type of ennui that burrows deep into your body and magically carves a Hawthorne-esque “B+/B” into the skin around your sternum. The truth is »

Q: What do I tell people when they ask what I did over winter break if I really just sat on my ass and watched ABC Family? A: If you told the truth, I don’t think that anyone would be particularly shocked or disappointed, because I think the only abnormal thing about your description of »