Shopping Period: An Investigative Report

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// The Yale Bubble

The Yale Daily News. The Yale Herald. The Yale Record. Rumpus.

Yale has a proud tradition of journalistic prestige and comedic wit and satire. But the one thing this university has lacked is a one-stop-shop for all news fake and fictitious.

This week’s Doubletruck, welcoming you to the new semester with the theme “Shopping Week,” introduces THE YALE BUBBLE, Yale’s new, online, number one provider of fake news.

 

All Twelve Students in Seminar Room Pretty Confident They’ll Be Fine by 1:23 p.m.

Staff

The twelve students waiting in WLH 006 seven minutes before the start of a history junior seminar were all pretty confident they would have no trouble gaining admission to the class. “Well, the class is capped at 18, probably, and maybe the professor is flexible, so let’s say 20,” said Chris Steve ’15, “and there’s no way more than eight people show up in the next seven minutes.”

Uneasy silence filled the room as the wall clock ticked audibly. “Even though I’m an American Studies major, I should be fine,” said Alexander Gregory ’14. “I’m a senior, and my thesis is basically on the subject of the class, so there’s no way I won’t get in,” he added, his eyes scanning the room.

At press time, several students cursed under their breath as a group of six students entered the room together, claiming they had had trouble finding it.

 

Lonely Yale Professor Skips First Class to See If Students “Even Know I Exist” 

Staff

A large lecture hall’s worth of shoppers were disappointed this week when biology professor Arnold Kirkwick failed to show up to the first class of his treasured lecture course, “Nematodes and Other Worms.”

“Sometimes, I just feel like students are coming for the worms and not for me,” Kirkwick told The Bubble. Citing the words of Lynyrd Skynyrd in their hit “Freebird,” he asked, “Seriously, ‘If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?’ That’s right on target.” Flipping through some of his favorite photos of flatworms and Dorylaimia, Kirkwick explained that he bets “they won’t even notice.”

One student, who took Kirkwick’s class the last time it was taught, remarked that she found this kind of behavior from the nematode expert unsurprising. “He was always ending lectures by saying, ‘Next week we’ll focus on the functioning of the Enoplia’s tubular digestive system, if you’re still interested’ and ‘It’s either the Spirurina’s cloacal opening or me; you choose.’”

At press time, sources confirmed that Kirkwick left a note taped on his office door explaining that he, like the nematode in times of environmental adversity, had entered a hibernation state of cryptobiosis and that he will emerge when Dean Mary Miller “just learns his name already.”

 

Seminar Shopper Who Clearly Has Rapport With Professor Has Smushy, Rat-Like Face

Staff 

After hearing him share a joke with the professor of the vastly oversubscribed seminar “Politics of Public Policy,” sources confirmed that Frank Eliot ’15 has a smushy, rat-like face.

“What a slimy little asshole,” one source said upon hearing Eliot refer to a previous class he had taken with the seminar’s professor. “I fucking hate his face. God, just look at him,” the source added.

Sources agree that Eliot’s face is abnormally small, with piggy, close-set eyes and a weak chin. This became apparent, according to sources, “right when he shook the professor’s hand and said ‘It’s good to see you again — looking forward to the semester!’ “

Sources reportedly did not even look at Eliot when the professor announced to the packed classroom that fewer than half of those shopping the seminar were likely to secure a place, because they “did not want to see his fucking beady little eyes light up.” Nor did they look at him when he raised his hand after the professor asked who among the shoppers had preregistered through the Political Science department.

As students filled out applications for the seminar on note cards, peals of laughter could be heard from the corner of the room where Eliot and the professor chatted. Sources added that they were quite sure Eliot was a virgin, as any woman would be repulsed by his shiny, oily face.

 

Stressed Out Sophomore Girl Probably Just On Her Shopping Period

Staff

A close male friend who requested not to be identified confirmed that Davenport sophomore Kimberly Barnes’s recent aggressive behavior is most likely due to the fact that she is “on her shopping period.” This source noted a change in Barnes’s behavior as soon as she returned to campus, highlighting her confrontational attitude, heightened sensitivity, erratic mood swings and “bitching about not getting into Writing About Oneself”.

“I don’t really care about that kind of stuff,” said the source. “It’s just Anne Fadiman.”

Barnes was seen on Tuesday running from LC to SSS in a frazzled state, most likely due to the fact that this is “her time of the semester.” Other friends commented on her irregular mealtimes and bags under her eyes, indicating that this is one of her messiest shopping periods. “It’s a bloodbath,” said Barnes, choking up. “I just really need to talk to my advisor about it.” Barnes also noted her shopping periods are usually mild and fairly manageable, lasting only a couple days. “I’ve been running from class to class,” she explained, “so my shopping period has been getting really spotty. I get to my room at the end of the night and it’s like, oh wow. I’m just drowning in my shopping period.”

This behavior was not limited to just Barnes, as the source also noted that Barnes’s female friends were acting similarly. “This happens all the time with chicks on their shopping period,” he said. “Their schedules just sync up.” The Bubble visited Barnes’s dorm, where she and her suitemates ritually gather to discuss their shopping periods. “It’s just really great to have a safe space where we can talk about how intense and emotional our shopping periods can be.”

Barnes’s shopping period has also been taxing on her boyfriend, sophomore Chad Brundle. “I’m afraid to even talk to her, let alone go down on her,” commented Brundle. But when asked about his waitlist status for Grand Strategies, Brundle added, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

Students to View Exclusive Seminars That They’ll Almost Get Into With Yale BlueBallsBook

Staff

The Yale College Dean’s Office announced on Sunday the creation of the Yale BlueBallsBook, which will allow students to browse exclusive seminars that, at first, it seems like they totally might get into. Students, upon reading about the classes therein, will think, “Hey, that’s a pretty hot-looking seminar. Just look at that syllabus! Damn. I’d really enjoy getting into it, and I definitely have a chance. I mean, how hard could it be? I’m a cool guy. I think the class would kind of be into to having me.”

The Dean’s office projects that students will then arrive at these seminars for the first meeting, where their hopes will be confirmed, even bolstered. They will think, “This seminar doesn’t just look good, it actually has a good personality. I mean, I really think this thing is gonna happen! I definitely made some smart, witty comments. I was really working it in there. This could really happen!  I can’t wait to get into this seminar so hard, and brag about it to all my friends. Goodbye, dry spell! Hello, sweet, sweet relief!”

Two days later, when students have finalized their schedules with the assumption that they are enrolled in the seminar, they will get an apologetic email explaining that due to an overabundance of applications to the seminar, they will not be offered a spot this semester. According to authorities in the administration, these students will think, “WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! I WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE GODDAMN IT!!! THIS IS THE WORST FEELING!!!! I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO BE ABLE TO SHOP ANOTHER SEMINAR AT LEAST FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!!!”

Students will then attempt an Independent Study, but it will likely be too painful.

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