The Five Most Unimpressive Students at Yale Right Now

Plain Janes hit New Haven.
Plain Janes hit New Haven. // Creative Commons

Yale is one of the best universities in the U.S. — if not the world. Each year, it attracts top high school applicants, with a record-low acceptance rate of 6.7% last year. As a result, Yale has some pretty remarkable students. Of course, Yale also harbors some pretty unremarkable students. We found five particularly unimpressive undergraduates here at Yale. They’re schmucks, lowlifes, nerds, junkies and loafers, and they’re making pretty much no difference in the world — or even on campus.

1. Angus Durden (Class of 2014)

Founder of Yale Undergraduate Cheese Review

A Wisconsin native, Angus hasn’t wasted any time in spreading the Gospel of Gouda all over the Melba Toast that is Yale. After occasionally sitting in on a couple of his high school newspaper meetings, Durden proposed and single-handedly spearheaded the first college cheese journal in the country. “We have almost no subscribers, and very little cheese,” said Durden to the News. He went on to remark, “Cheese is very expensive.”

2. Mikaela Bunbury (Class of 2015)

Campus Grass Advocate

Ever since childhood, Mikaela has been in touch with her advocacy ‘roots.’ “They put up those small posts around recently seeded lawns for a reason guys!” she can be heard chanting from Old Campus every Wednesday afternoon. Drawing on the philosophies of Thoreau and Gandhi, Mikaela believes that, “Like people, a lawn cannot reach its full potential if d-bags keep stepping on it.” But life at Yale isn’t easy, even for the likes of Mikaela. “A lot of people try to buy drugs from me when they hear about my advocacy work,” she said. “But I’m not about that life.”

3. Marcus Throndike (Class of 2014)

Experimental Theater Guru

Marcus P. Throndike, Jr., has always been enthralled by the theater. In his hometown of Duluth, Minnesota, he graced the stage of Abraham Morganstein Memorial High School with such coveted roles as “Dad” in “A Family” and the title role in “A Man’s Soul: Live.” When Throndike arrived at Yale, he had even bigger plans for the theatre. “At this point, I see my whole life as a sort of play in which I myself am the main character. And all the supporting characters. And sometimes the audience.” Marcus can be seen monologuing and wildly gesticulating at G-Heav, Blue State and section. Those who have viewed Marcus’s performances say, “That guy is so loud,” and, “I hate him.”

4. Andrew Doobis (Class of 2017)

President of the White Privilege Cultural Center

“I come from a place where there’s a lot of white privilege, and I didn’t want to lose that culture when I came to Yale,” says Doobis. “Did you know that only 1% of white people are considered minorities?” Doobis wrote in his most recent White Culture pamphlet. “And yet, only one American President since the year 2000 has been white!” Since his freshman year, Doobis has devoted his life to getting Yalies back in touch with their Caucasian roots, founding and presiding over the Yale White Privilege Cultural Center, which meets weekly in the New Haven Meatball House. When asked if he considers Jews to share in his white heritage, Doobis refused to comment.

5. Lisa Schratsch (Class of 2016)

Enrolled Student

In her high school days, Lisa received adequate enough grades to be accepted into Yale. Upon arriving, Lisa had almost no aspirations beyond receiving a Yale diploma. Once, Lisa showed up to an audition for a play, but quickly realized she was just in the wrong room. “I really only wanted to study,” she recalled to the News on one of her customary walks from class in LC to her dorm in Berkeley. “By the way, it’s pronounced ‘scratch,’ like when you have an itch.” Lisa eats mainly in the dining hall and is relieved to have no work due tomorrow.

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