We respectfully submit our nominations for the next president of Yale University. In no particular order: Old Spice Guy: Look at Levin, now look at this guy, now back at Levin, now back at this guy. We need a president with chiseled abs. Eric Wenzel: Thwarting the tofu onslaught since 2004. Daenerys Targaryen: The rightful heir to the Iron Throne. Also: dragons. Kristen Stewart: Her affinity for older white men will make her a hit with the donors. #CheatingSkank #TeamPattison4Lyfe Brandon Levin: We won’t even have to change the stationery. Bob the Builder: Can we fix it? And by “it” we mean Payne Whitney. Kanye and Jay-Z: They’ve been watching the throne. Charlie Sheen: #winning #TitleIX Bruce Wayne: Elm City, Gotham City. Mayor DeStefano could use a dark knight. Emilio Zapata: Viva! The manager at Celtica: Thanks to her, New Haven’s sole purveyor of Claddaghs and shamrock shirts has staved off bankruptcy. The woman would do miracles for the Yale budget.
Mitt Romney: We are the 53%. Dick Cheney: One Dick out, another dick in. Captain Morgan: He already makes our decisions for us anyway. Anderson Cooper: We now know for sure that his preferences align with those of most Yale students. Rick Levin: Four more years. Jane Levin: If she doesn’t get the presidency, she’ll end up as secretary of state. Peter Salovey: We hear he’s qualified or something. Mostly we just like the moustache. Mary Miller: Kidding! Justine Kolata: We hear she got new bunnies. Their names are “Hope” and “Change.” Chief Justice John Roberts: Gender-neutral housing? It’s a tax. Steve Ells, CEO of Chipotle: Never since the ¡Ay! Arepa guy has the owner of a burrito joint enjoyed so much clout with the Yale community. Mark Zuckerberg: Young with business experience. Just make sure he doesn’t go for an IPO. The Nation of Singapore: Rick should have read the fine print in the Yale-NUS contract.