8 Minute Abs

If I'll wake up with perfect abs tomorrow?

My iPod is mocking me. Plugged into my sound system, it’s blaring Mickey Avalon: “One, two, three, four, get your booty on the dance floor. Work it out, shake it little momma, let me see you do the Jane Fonda.” It’s reminding me that I should “work it out, work it little momma,” and yet I’m still sitting on my couch, trying to recuperate from last night’s Pepe’s pizza fest: 5 large slices of greasy bacon-ham-salami pizza with extra cheese. My suitemate asks me if I want to run the Payne Whitney staircase for some exercise? Yeah, I don’t think so…I doubt I’m going to be exercising this week.

But then I find chicken soup for the lazy soul: “8 Minute Abs.” The new exercise obsession at Yale, “8 Minute Abs” seems to be the perfect recipe for the busy/lazy Yalie. Who cares about looking good? Studying is more important and grades come first (of course). For those eight minutes, I just have to crunch those abs and then I’ll be done… voila! Toned, flat abs will await me. Or so they claim.

Seems easy enough, so I search it up on the YouTube. Ooh, twelve million views? Damn. I strap on my sports shoes, put on some shiny tights and start playing some 90s music. “The Vangaboys are coming, and everybody’s jumping. New York to San Francisco, come in and see the disco!” I’m in that beautiful, exercise zone!

Step 1: Imagine yourself in a beautiful, lush garden somewhere in Hawaii. See the instructor’s pretty face and wish you were him. See his ridiculously tight pants, and thank the stars you aren’t him. That one’s easy.

Step 2: Actually start doing the exercise. I lie down on the ground and start following his instructions. Just 8 minutes of abs? Pshh, I do 30 minutes of cardio every day.

Step 3: Whatever may be said of the style in the 80s (mullets, really?), they sure can crank that exercise. After doing plain crunches, right oblique crunches, left oblique crunches and toe touches, I’m dying. They were lying when they said it was just eight minutes; they don’t count time the way we normal people do. No breaks between sets! It’s 8 minutes of only abs exercises.

Step 4: I pause the video. It’s only been 4.5 minutes in, but I need at least 5 minutes of rest. Aaah breathe, clutch stomach. Nothing like caramel ice-cream to soothe that stomach pain. See how productive I’m being?

Step 5: Restart activities. Onto some Spice Girls now, Sporty Spice is giving me some serious life advice. “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta be my friends” Wow, wonder how I never thought of that one before. Reverse crunches, side crunches, push throughs, leg pushes. I’m on a roll! Literally. Roll those abs, roll those abs, twist to the left, twist to the right, pump my legs, keep my back straight, stare at my instructor’s beautiful abs. “Boy you know you got a love to prove.”(Wink wink nudge nudge, are you man enough?). Even with that mullet, my pretty instructor definitely is. Too busy thinking about his abs, I don’t even realize that I only have one minute left!

Step 6: Time for some last minute JLO. “Break a sweat on the floor, yeah we work on the floor, let the rhythm change your world on the floor.” I wonder if she ever did 8 Minute Abs? Alternating curls: left, right, left, right. Straight curls, curl, (ow my body hurts) curl.

Step 8: And I’m done! I wonder if I’m going to have perfect abs tomorrow. With all that strenuous exercise I did (not counting the ice-cream break), I probably will. I smile triumphantly at the fact that, for once, I haven’t broken into a sweat. That’s how effective the exercises are.

Eight is my favorite number. I just hope it shows how hard I worked tomorrow.

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