Yale men are getting better at sex, you’re welcome

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To the perpetually unsatisfied straight single women of Yale: on behalf of all the Nice-Looking, Not-Evil and Socially Adjusted Straight Single Males (NLNESASSM) of Yale, we sincerely apologize for our past sexual ineptitudes. After reading last weekend’s column in the YDN, we have come to realize that we can no longer coast through coitus with the vain, aimless thrustings of yore. Message received. Too long have our phallic forests rejoiced in surfeit precipitation, while the vaginal tundra remains cold and barren! Too long has feminine desire outlasted the fleeting passions of the weaker sex! Too long has machine been forced to fulfill the endeavor once entrusted to man! Perpetually Unsatisfied Straight Single Women of Yale (PUSSWOY), we hear your plea, and we are ready to respond.

To mitigate these woes, we would like to announce the inception of the Yale Men’s Sex Team. We believe that, through hard work, practice and dedication, we can restore the female orgasm to its former seat of glory. Although we are not yet recognized as an official undergraduate organization, and our NCAA membership is pending, this team will allow us to hone our skills for when we meet you (PUSSWOY) in the arena of copulation. We’re ready to rectify our shortcomings before your discerning eye.

We know it won’t be easy. We’ve already begun practicing on household objects like athletic socks and fruit preserves, and, once undergraduate funding comes through, we’ll be able to upgrade our training equipment to Bulldog-blue Vaseline and official Yale Fleshlights. Practice will be held weekly in WLH 114, and will consist not only of intimate coaching sessions with seasoned members of long-term relationships, but also a complete overhaul of our traditional playbook. This will be supplemented with biweekly screenings of game film at Whitney Humanities Center (a tentative lineup includes “Brown Bunny,” “Wild Things” and “Basic Instinct”). We’ve even brought onto campus some talented prospects from nearby colleges to enhance the quality of our current roster. Sex Team apparel will be on sale at both Campus Customs and the Yale Bookstore, including bobbleheads, foam hands and customized jerseys. Additionally, the Sex Team will host our first annual Whack-A-Thon, in which sponsors can choose to pledge a dollar for each minute lasted. This will both raise money for the team and increase our stamina.

As you can see, PUSSWOY, we are more than ready to rise to the challenge you so clearly, and rightly, elucidated last week. Your pleasure has become our prerogative, and we hope that this initiative will lead to a more harmonious and satisfying intimacy between the sexes.

That said, above all else, we need playing time to apply in the bedroom what we’ve trained for so hard in the weight room. Challengers are highly encouraged to contact either of us to arrange a time and place for the event. Our game schedule remains literally wide open.

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