Cinema to the Max

The 69th Golden Globes have come and gone, sans excitement and upsets — sound familiar? The awards show hasn’t been relevant in years: not in presentation, not in star power, not even in choice of cable network. At most, the Globes offer a cooler, hipper venue for Hollywood’s elite to pat each other on the back. And that’s just because they serve liquor at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. A lot of it.

But at least there was Ricky Gervais.

The raunchy, crude, thoroughly inappropriate British comedian was (like last year) the lone bright spot of the entire evening. And why’s that? Because the man is not afraid to pull punches, he’s not afraid to tell it like it is.

So January 15th rolled around, and Gervais imparted his wit on all those in attendance. And I, at least, consider his performance another success. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a closer look at his opening monologue, dissecting as we go.

“Hello, I’m Ricky Gervais and welcome to the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles.”

Name? Check. Event? Check. Location? Check. Off to a good start, Ricky.

“Tonight you get Britain’s biggest comedian, hosting the world’s second-biggest awards show, on America’s third-biggest network. Sorry, is it? Fourth. It’s fourth.”

Personally, I don’t think NBC is that bad. Their Sunday night football game always has the best picture quality, in my opinion, and any network that can give me new episodes of “Parks and Recreation” (which has been appallingly robbed of hardware the last two awards seasons) is far from terrible.

“For any of you who don’t know, the Golden Globes are just like the Oscars, but without all that esteem.”

Tell me something I don’t know.

“The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton.”

That’ll do it.

“A bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker, and more easily bought. Allegedly. Nothing’s been proved.”

These are four of the top five reasons I don’t like Kim Kardashian. The fifth? She married Kris Humphries. Seriously? Who goes from Ray J, Reggie Bush, and Miles Austin to Kris Humphries? That’s like trading in a Porsche for a broken Nissan Civic that can’t play defense and doesn’t work hard enough on the glass.

“But who needs the Oscars? Not me. And not Eddie Murphy. He walked out on them, and good for him. But when the man who said yes to ‘Norbit’ says no to you, you know you’re in trouble.”

A very valid point. And kudos to Gervais for not explicitly mentioning Eddie Murphy’s secret drag fetish.

“I love Eddie Murphy. He loves dressing up, doesn’t he? Versatile. He’s versatile. No, he is.”

Spoke too soon.

“Bit of trivia for you. Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler between them played all the parts in the movie ‘The Help.’ Isn’t that brilliant. They were brilliant. I cant believe they’re not here. Or maybe they are. They’re masters of disguise.”

I’ve been saying it for years, but I’ll say it again: Hollywood needs to produce a good throwback comedy film starring Sandler and Murphy (think: “Beverly Hills Cop” meets “The Wedding Singer,” directed by pre-“Gigli” Martin Brest). Both hit their peaks over a decade ago and haven’t been the same since they reached the wrong side of 40 (watch “Meet Dave” or “Grown Ups” if you don’t believe me). If this hypothetical movie does well, look out for a revival of both their careers. You heard it here first.

“Now the Hollywood Foreign Press have warned me that if I insult any of you or any of them or offend any viewers or cause any controversy whatsoever, they’ll definitely invite me back next year as well.”

Touché.

“They actually gave me a list of rules. I’m going to ignore them, but I thought it would be good to read them out. This is real, OK? No profanity. That’s fine. I’ve got a huge vocabulary. No nudity. See, that’s a shame. Because I’ve got a hugevocabulary. But a tiny penis. No, no. Doesn’t matter. It works. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.”

And here I was worried Gervais was going to go the whole monologue without referencing his junk.

“And I’m not to libel anyone. And I must not mention Mel Gibson this year. Not his private life, his politics, his recent films, and especially not Jodie Foster’s ‘Beaver.’”

The setup.

“I haven’t seen it myself. I have spoken to a lot of guys here, they haven’t seen it either. That doesn’t mean it’s not any good.”

And the punchline.

“It’s been an amazing year in show business.”

(Yeah, OK.)

“It’s not all been good news. What’s with all the divorces? What’s going on? Arnold and Maria, J.Lo and Mark Anthony, Ashton and Demi. Kim Kardashian and some guy no one will remember. He wasn’t around long. Seventy-two days. A marriage that lasted 72 days. I’ve sat through longer James Cameron acceptance speeches.”

Sounds about right. If Cameron had won Best Director for “Avatar,” he’d still be talking.

“Other celebrity scandals: Justin Bieber nearly had to take a paternity test. What a waste of a test that would have been. No, he’s not the father. The only way he could have impregnated the girl was if he borrowed one of Martha Stewart’s old turkey basters. Open wide.”

Ouch. I mean, I might not be a Bieber fan (by any stretch of the imagination), but I feel like Bieber is probably due for a scandal like this about now. My evidence: lyrics from his single “Love Me” — “Love me, love me, say that you love me/Fool me, fool me, oh how you do me.”

Yep. Bieber definitely sounds up to it.

“It’s been a big year for women in film. ‘Bridesmaids,’ one of my favorite comedies of the year. The girls finally proved that they can be as raunchy as men. Farting, burping, cursing, performing wild sex acts, even pooping in the sink. I actually heard for research the cast spent the weekend with Dame Helen Mirren. She’s dreadful. Honestly, you don’t see a lot of it because she’s got good PR, but she’s off the rails.”

First of all, “Bridesmaids” was OK. Not amazing. Just OK. Second of all, Helen Mirren? Dreadful? Blasphemy! She’s wonderful. Check out the Will Ferrell-Jack Black-John C. Reilly song-and-dance routine at the Oscars a couple of years ago on YouTube. They have the right idea!

“But the Golden Globes aren’t just about movies. It also celebrates the best in TV as well. New shows like the amazing ‘Homeland.’ And returning shows like ‘Boardwalk Empire.’ I love that show. It’s great. It’s about a load of immigrants who came to America about 100 years ago and they got involved in bribing and corruption and they worked their way up into high society. But enough about the Hollywood Foreign Press.”

You think the HFP regretted their decision to bring back Gervais by this point?

“I’m joking. I love them and they’re good sports for inviting me back. What I didn’t know is they do an awful lot for charity and their nonprofit organizations. Just like NBC.”

Check out new episodes of “Parks and Recreation” every Thursday night at 8:30. I’m just saying. Your whole perception of NBC will go right out the window.

“Should we get on with it? This time last year, our first presenter was the biggest movie star on the planet. I insulted his film ‘The Tourist,’ causing his career to plummet so far that he was forced to work with me on my new show, ‘Life’s Too Short,’ which premieres on HBO on Feb. 19. Please welcome the man who will wear literally anything Tim Burton tells him to, Johnny Depp.”

I never thought about that before: “Edward Scissorhands,” “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” “Sweeney Todd,” and “Alice in Wonderland,” among others. Wow. Depp’s gone through more costume changes under Burton’s direction than Eddie Murphy on a Tuesday night at the roller derby.

Of course, Ricky Gervais had more to say as the night went on, but this short excerpt is all the convincing I need. Gervais — come back next year! You’re funny, incisive, and biting. Drunken celebrities and bored television viewers at home deserve nothing less. Or at least that’s how I feel. Hollywood Foreign Press be damned.

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