The TLC Tip: All your problems are stupid

Tlc-tip

The TLC Tip runs on alternate Fridays. Send manufactured life dramas and detailed descriptions of your rashes to lauren.rosenthal@yale.edu. Pictures are not needed, or wanted. Seriously.

Q. My roommate’s clothes are everywhere. I can’t see my floor, and he refuses to clean. It makes me sad. What the heck should I do?

A. First, learn real swears. Second, plant a dead mouse at the bottom of a pile of his underwear. Mischief managed.

Q. Why are there no lesbians at Yale?

A. I think there definitely are lesbians at Yale. I’ve never taken a Women’s, Gender and Sexuality Studies course without a lesbian at the seminar table — NOR WOULD I WANT TO. I’ve never been asked to a screw or residential college dance by anyone besides lesbians (ditto). If you’re looking to court a lesbian, I would recommend joining the Yale Precision Marching Band, or YPMB. They are very welcoming to the LGBT community, and a source tells me that the vast majority of the YPMB’s sophomore class is lesbian. While I can’t speak to the veracity of that claim, doesn’t it sound promising? And don’t worry if you can’t play an instrument; neither can the rest of them. Consider old classics like hanging out at the Women’s Center, playing rugby, or listening to some Dar William/Indigo Girls/Tegan and Sara/Fiona Apple in the library while pretending that you have accidentally unplugged your headphones. Like they say in “Field of Dreams”: If you build it, they will come.

Q. Is Lana del Rey going to stage a comeback?

A. This summer, I watched the “Video Games” music video incessantly while eating hummus. I was enamored of the “gangsta Nancy Sinatra” and her voluminous hair and anaphylactic-shock lips just like the rest of you.

While I don’t usually side with Brian Williams (fun fact: I accidentally elbowed him in the back of the head after a Just Add Water show freshman year), he’s right. Lana’s “Saturday Night Live” set was one of the worst in the show’s history — and that’s including Ashlee Simpson’s Great Lip Sync Jig of ’04. So, she either needs to gain 40 pounds and an acoustic guitar or just give up and become a model.

Q. My friend is addicted to Skyrim. How do I help her?

A. Like you, I have watched many friends fall victim to the ’Rim in recent months. It’s utterly mystifying. A close friend told me tonight that she recently purchased a pair of black boots just because they look like the ones her Skyrim character wears. If her character had been an elf or some shit, the results would be damn near disastrous. Luckily, her character kind of looks like her (read: not an elf), so it turned out okay. But it was a close call!

I think you should invite your friend to join you in a hobby you enjoy, like volunteering or personal hygiene.

(Confidential to Geoff: No one cares that you’re a level 32 red guard. I don’t want you to die alone.)

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