Let the games begin

It appears that 99 percent of Harvard students have 1 percent of the fun. So why not offer them drinks with that same alcohol-by-volume percentages? Maybe then they’ll have 2 percent of the fun. Round up equally sized teams of Harvard and Yale students, and obtain a handle of Everclear (yes, it’s only 95.8 percent alcohol, but we’ll just round up in the spirit of Harvard’s grade inflation). Each team member must challenge a member from the opposite team to take a shot of Everclear. The rest of the players observe, and whoever makes the least reaction to consuming the shot wins. You might just want to stop after one or two rounds — we’re not trying to occupy Yale-New Haven here. But if you actually have a problem with the 1 percent, play a few extra rounds. After all, if you land a Harvard student in a Yale-New Haven ambulance you’ll knock them down a couple hundred bucks for the transport fee.

Campus will be buzzing, and it’s the perfect opportunity to walk around campus with some friends (and a flask, of course) and observe the Harvard students. If a Harvard student asks for directions, take a shot, and then tell him or her that to get to SAE you have to keep walking down Chapel until you hit I-91 north. See or hear a Harvard student ask a Yalie if Yale is always this fun? Yes, it indeed is, and offer him or her a shot to make them wish that they were lucky enough go here. See a Harvard student getting mugged? Take a shot (but don’t get shot!) — oh, and be sure to offer the mugger one too, because philanthropy merits reward. Of course, like a good Yale student, report the incident to Ronnell, and then take a shot when the email arrives.

Since Yale students would almost always lose Never Have I Ever to Harvard students (since we’re fun!), a more fair option would be a modified version pertaining to the shared experience of college admissions. Divide into two equal teams. Never have I ever been rejected by Yale, you ask? Watch the Harvard kids take a shot (waitlist counts too). Never have I ever been rejected by Cornell, you scoff? Hopefully no shots are consumed — Cornell didn’t reject us, we rejected them. Never have I ever scored below a 750 on a section of the SAT, asks a Harvard student? Hopefully you Yalies forgot, since the SATs are irrelevant now, and also because you’re happily blacked out. Never have I ever been rejected by Harvard? Keep your finger up regardless — integrity is not applicable when you’re drunk. Repeat until whichever team has no fingers remaining up.

How convenient is it that the two most popular Solo cup colors are red and blue? Admittedly, red is quite paler than crimson, but it’s nonetheless fitting — with all that homework, Harvard students probably rarely get out into the sun. Harvard-Yale flip cup should be played with the standard rules, but with higher stakes: After all, this rivalry only coalesces once a year. Place down a couple $10s from each team for the grand prize. And if that doesn’t make sense to the Harvard students, maybe try explaining it to them in their native language of economics: if you increase our income, we’ll increase our “interest” (didn’t they teach you the IS-LM model at Harvard?).

If you’re Asian, then your odds for admission into this game are high (unlike Harvard admissions). However, participation is limited to East Asians afflicted with the alcohol flush reaction. But even then a sizable group of drinkers still won’t be hard to find — let’s face it, the only larger concentrations of Asians outside of Harvard is … well … (Bejing University). Competitors sit in a circle, take a shot and then wait a couple minutes to allow the alcohol to enter the bloodstream. Repeat for a few rounds. First team to turn crimson loses.

Drink up! Yale Acute Care can be reached at (203) 432-0123.

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