Klugman: The off-campus cookbook

I did a ton of exciting things over break, like go to Disneyland, wait for eight hours in the Long Beach airport, and not eat for eight hours straight because the Long Beach airport doesn’t have any food in it. But my most personally gratifying experience was probably when I went to my eye doctor. I have previously documented in this view the insecurity that health care specialists elicit in me on a biannual basis. Most of the time medical professionals just tell me that my body is weird in some way and also that I am not doing anything productive with my life.

But! Not this time! We had a totally pleasant and innocuous conversation about how interesting he finds my major and how beautiful my eyes are! AND, when I mentioned that I live off-campus, he did not say anything about how I “must not cook as much [I] thought [I was] going to,” which every other adult I have talked to re: living off campus has said VERBATIM. Well, suck it, dentist, I cook all the damn time. If you too want to be a beautiful-eyed American Studies major who cooks all the damn time, these recipes are a good place to start:

OFF-CAMPUS RECIPES

TWO A.M. SNICKERDOODLES

  1. At 11 p.m., mention during a cut-throat game of hearts that you “sort of want cookies.”

  2. Wait for your housemates to bug you about making these cookies.

  3. Finally break down and get off the really really comfortable couch.

  4. Combine a stick of butter, a cup of sugar, and two cups of flour, and two eggs, and some baking soda or powder, I forget.

  5. Roll them in sugar and cinnamon.

  6. Bake three at a time because you only have one pan.

  7. Shoot the motherfucking moon!

THE CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN-ADVENTURE WENZEL (OR NOT)

  1. Decide if your hunger and desire for a wenzel override your terror of awkward interaction with the guys at Alpha Delta, who will remember you from every time you have ordered a wenzel in the past TWO DAYS (like, four times).

  2. If so, go get a wenzel.

  3. If not, have some cereal straight from the box! Festive!

TRADER JOE’S SURPRISE

  1. Go to the Trader Joe’s in Orange and buy a lot of frozen crap.

  2. A week or two later, put some of it in a frying pan on the stove until sufficiently warm.

  3. Feel free to mix Trader Joe’s ambiguously offensively named ethnic food with other varieties of Trader Joe’s ambiguously offensively named ethnic food (e.g. “Trader Jose’s” or “Trader Ming’s.” They’re like “Joe” but in different languages, thus adding a faint but discernible level of authenticity?)

  4. Or don’t. I’m not the boss of you.

WHAT-TIME-IS-IT-EVEN SHAKSHUKA (EGGS IN SPICY TOMATO SAUCE)

  1. Wake up. What time is it? It’s dark out.

  2. Decide that you need to eat a real dinner if you’re going to write this paper.

  3. Stumble into the kitchen, knocking something over along the way. Don’t worry about it. Put some music on the iHome. It’s like you’re slow dancing with yourself!

  4. Chop up a little yellow onion and caramelize it in a pan, then throw in some cumin and paprika and chopped jalapeno.

  5. Empty 14 oz. (probably half a can) of whole tomatoes into that very same pan, then poke the tomatoes with a spoon till they’re sort of crushed. I don’t know why you can’t just use crushed ones but so help me don’t.

  6. Stir it all for a while and then cover it and forget about it. You can also poach an egg in it.

  7. Note that, wow, listening to Elliott Smith by yourself in the dark at night just makes you want to shoot yourself in the hand to see if you can still feel physical pain!!!!!

  8. Is there any beer left in the basement?

  9. Have a beer, you deserve it.

  10. Allow ten minutes to elapse pleasantly.

  11. Wait, where did the beer go? It was in the glass but now it’s not!

  12. Try tipping the empty beer glass over to see if it will help solve this mystery.

  13. Wait, was there something on the stove?

  14. Serve and enjoy!

BON APPETIT!

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