A Dramatic Interpretation of the Financial Crisis as Written by an English Major in the Writing Concentration Who Took Galaxies & the Universe and First Order Logic for His QR’s
Three grizzled men are hunched over, playing poker on a dimly lit table in a smoky room, eyes shaded by green visors. FREDDIE MAC and JP MORGAN are distracted on their Bluetooths, as TIMOTHY GEITHNER loses patience. Time hasn’t been kind to these fellas but shit, show me someone to whom it has.
FREDDIE MAC:
(into his Bluetooth)
Buy! Buy! Buy!
JP MORGAN:
(into his Bluetooth)
Sell! Sell! Sell!
TIMOTHY GEITHNER:
Guys, can we get back to the game please?!
JP MORGAN:
Damn NASDAQ is breaking my balls over here.
FREDDIE MAC:
(getting another call on his Bluetooth, switching lines)
Fannie — the fuck are you, babe? Been waiting … All right, well we’re just gonna keep playing anyway … Ok … Yeah … [mumbles] … I said it … I SAID IT … Loveyoutoo BYE. [hangs up] JESUS CHRIST. Women.
JP MORGAN:
(hanging up, singing insultingly)
Fannie and Freddie, sittin’ in a tree, P-O-R-K-B-A-R-R-E-L-S-P-E-N-D-I-N-G. Just kidding Freddie, you know I’m joking.
TIMOTHY GEITHNER:
JP, Freddie, will you just shut up over there, I’m trying to save the Fed, and you’re not helping, fellas.
FREDDIE MAC:
Oh, ease up. Quit your bitching and live a little, Tim.
TIMOTHY GEITHNER:
Excuse you, Fred, this is my life over here. Picking up after YOU guys. Saving the Fed, saving Wall Street, saving the country.
FREDDIE MAC:
Life ain’t about saving anything, life’s about rolling the dice. Life’s about living. Life’s about … taking risks.
JP MORGAN:
(looking at his cards)
Fred, I’ll see your tax breaks and raise you four stocks — no — four bonds?
FREDDIE MAC:
Four? Hell, I’ll see that and raise you Medicare.
TIMOTHY GEITHNER:
Medicare?! Alright, fellas, let’s calm down, it’s early in the night.
FREDDIE MAC:
Shut up Tiny Tim, the boy wants to play? Let’s play.
TIMOTHY GEITHNER:
I really don’t think—
JP MORGAN:
Then fold, Tim. Quit bitching, and fold.
FREDDIE MAC:
Yeah. Stay out of this.
TIMOTHY GEITHNER:
Fine, enough, I fold.
JP MORGAN:
To return to the matter at hand, Mac, I see your Medicare and raise you Medicaid.
FREDDIE MAC:
Stock market’s gonna fall, JP, you sure you want to do that?
JP MORGAN:
I know what I’m doing, Freddie. I got good cards.
FREDDIE MAC:
… Do you now.
JP MORGAN:
Oh yeah. Best cards.
TIMOTHY GEITHNER:
But your clients, your investors — you guys, think about this. Let’s just go back to a basic, low buy-in, and play Texas Hold ’Em like we said we would—
FREDDIE MAC:
You pulled this shit last week on Bernanke, JP, and ended up tripling the deficit.
JP MORGAN:
Shareholders didn’t seem to mind. Are you in or you out?
FREDDIE MAC:
Think about equity, JP. Don’t be foolish.
JP MORGAN:
Oh, I know all about equity. Shareholders, equity, dividends, hedge funds, I know all about it.
FREDDIE MAC:
(slamming fist on table)
THE FUCK YOU DO.
TIMOTHY GEITHNER:
GENTS. FELLAS. COME ON NOW. Let’s relax.
JP MORGAN:
Match me, bitch. Try it. I’m all in. Mano-a-mano. Let’s see those cards.
FREDDIE MAC:
You’re looking at a shit ton of foreclosures, man, how does that look to you?
JP MORGAN:
Do I look like I’m scared?
FREDDIE MAC:
… Goddamn it, I can’t read him.
TIMOTHY GEITHNER:
Listen, I can help you guys out, last chance. We can back out peacefully. Leave this game behind. The markets can stabilize. No one needs to get hurt.
JP MORGAN:
No. We need to finish this. After all. Lehman needs someone to play with. Lehman needs a pal. Lehman needs a merger.
Freddie Mac leaps screaming across the table to strangle JP Morgan, knocking over the table, spilling chips everywhere.
TIMOTHY GEITHNER:
JP, FRED, EVERYBODY CALM DOWN!!
As Timothy Geithner attempts to break up the fight, BERNIE MADOFF enters with vacuum cleaner, vacuums up all the chips, and furtively escapes.
Our three heroes are left in nothing but their own rubble, wrestling around in what is left — or perhaps, in the absence of what is already gone: the American economy.