Klugman: Hoarding myself for money

I don’t like to throw things out. I am constantly consumed by the fear that something I force myself to discard will prove useful the next day and I will just be the dumbest person in the world. One of my friends refuses to watch the TV show “Hoarders” because she finds it too depressing; I can’t watch it because I am afraid it would seem too normal to me. My room currently looks like a truck carrying a lot of tissues and a truck carrying a lot of half-empty bottles of grapefruit juice and a truck containing a lot of last semester’s library books all collided in it, but then all the trucks disappeared. Which could happen.

It was reasonable to explain the general shittiness of my room when I was sick, but I stopped throwing up on the reg last week. And it’d be reasonable to explain it by saying I am lazy, but I am actually real productive, when it comes to doing important things like watching every available episode of “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” on watchsvu.net and baking snickerdoodles.

I’m not sick or lazy. I just might really want the rest of that grapefruit juice sometime. And okay, so I’ve had my grade in that class for two months, but I might really want to re-read that book on Southern cultural history. Why the hell not! THINGS! Give me all the things in the world and I will keep them forever, mostly on the floor.

So you can imagine my delight this weekend when my housemate suggested we take a trip to Savers, which he advertised to me as “like a huge cheap Salvo.” Considering that Salvo itself is almost too huge and cheap for me and my weak heart to bear, this sounded AMAZING. “Puttin’ five carats in my baby girl’s ear,” we sang along lustily to Biggie’s “Juicy” in the car, and all I could think of was the metaphorical five carats which I was about to put in my own ear, by buying clothes and putting them on my body. In this metaphor, the earrings are clothes and my ear is my body in general, get it? (SIDENOTE: if only they had gotten Biggie for Spring Fling instead of Lupe Fiasco! There is no very basic reason why they couldn’t have, right?)

Savers is LITERALLY AMAZING. I think we all gasped involuntarily when we walked inside. It is a huge, cheap Salvo, but color-coordinated and with an ’80s soundtrack to die for. Seriously so huge and so cheap, you guys. I bought a sweater for $2 and almost bought a whole bunch of things I literally have no use for, like a television, a sword, chairs, and a framed picture of Abraham Lincoln. I almost broke out in hives not buying these things. They were so cheap and might have come in handy. I was in heaven.

So yeah, Savers is super, super great. I just wish they would get rid of the wall full of sad little individually shrink-wrapped children’s toys. The only thing creepier than a wall full of sad little individually shrink-wrapped children’s toys is how Taylor Swift has five-year-old children in that music video, when she is clearly only a few years from being a five-year-old child herself. I do not judge people’s life choices but I do judge when things are BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. Anyway, I didn’t buy a shrink-wrapped toy, though I considered it for a few scary seconds — seconds full of self-doubt and re-examination of all my priorities and values.

Almost nobody’s perfect, and least of all myself, I spend way too much money on takeout and I thought the Kinks were Jamaican until I was 12. And there are very few perfect places. But to my material-object-obsessed and half-Jewish mind, Savers may be as perfect as the idyllic hamlet of Orange, CT gets.

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