Hursey: Statistics: Lyfesciences

My mother called me two months ago screaming in my ear, “MIIIIILA BIIIILA!!! GET ON YOUR COMPUTER NOW!!!11” I immediately assumed it had to do something with the latest hunk of sexxy to grace our favorite soap, “One Life to Live,” but what she wanted to share with me was much more epic, more life changing, than any set of abs on daytime TV could possibly be. She called me with the solution to end straight girls’ desperation the world over: the song “Statistics” by Lyfe Jennings. Now, I wouldn’t say I’m desperate — I really do enjoy cuddling with my girl friends while listening to Taylor Swift’s latest album and sobbing on my Saturday nights — but I feel it is my duty to spread the gospel Lyfe so artfully expresses, so I’mma break it down for ya.

To make you listen, he gets a real smooth R&B beat going and sensually sits you down for some REAL TALK. He tells us that 25 percent of men are crazy, 25 percent cheat, 30 percent lie, and 10 percent are gay. That means what, women have a 10 percent chance of ending up with a kind and decent guy?! I mean, that feels true, but my God! Luckily, he tells us he’s going to teach us how to weed out the pile-o-crap 90 percent to score a keeper. PREACH IT LYFE!

RULE #1: DON’T BE A BOOTY CALL; IF HE DON’T RESPECT YOU GIRL, HE GON’ FORGET YOU GIRL

Let’s be honest here, sometimes you want to be a booty call. We’re busy, we have needs, it’s convenient, blah. But lemme tell you, Lyfe is right. Your booty call is gonna move to greener pastures if he can, and that will leave you alone, eating ice cream out of a carton, watching “The Vampire Diaries.”

RULE #2: IF HE’S IN A RELATIONSHIP AND HE WILL CHEAT ON HER, THAT MEANS HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU

No! I’m different! She’s a raving bitch and I’m a sweetheart! He likes meeeee … It doesn’t count if it’s an LDR!! Unfortunately, yes it does.

RULE #3: TELL HIM THAT YOU’RE CELIBATE, AND IF HE WANTS SOME OF YOUR GOODIES HE GON’ HAVE TO WORK FOR IT

That’s some deep, profound, blows-my-mind advice right there. He is saying you gotta think you are all that and let everyone know you know that they know that you are the shit. Let’s take a look at some ladies who do this: 1) Halle Berry. You know she knows she’s gorgeous, and it is with that confidence and swag that she snags man after manilicious man. 2) Khloe Kardashian. People call her the ugly sister, but she is also the only one that’s married and has a non-asshole significant other. Why is this? Because she has Willow Smith attitude, that’s why. Here’s a mantra: I think I’m worth the wait and if you don’t move along because I can get someone else, boo. Snap in the Z formation.

RULE #4: BE THE PERSON YOU WANNA FIND, DON’T BE A NICKEL OUT HERE LOOKIN’ FOR A DIME

Now, he dealt a low blow with this one. You mean if I’m judging a guy for sitting in a corner in Commons pouring over a laptop looking like he hasn’t showered or slept in days, I shouldn’t expect an Adonis/rower to approach me in the same condition? Ouch.

Well Lyfe Jennings, you have successfully cut down my chances of getting any by half. Thanks. But he concludes his song with reassuring remarks about quality over quantity. “Be patient! He’s waiting!/You don’t gotta settle for that/Get you a backbone!/Stop being sorry for yourself!” I know why my mamma had me sit down and listen to this now. She is sick of my whining, but wanted to make sure I wouldn’t slut it up with guys that I know are no good just because I’m lonely. Thanks, Ma! And thank you, Lyfe Jennings! You saved me from a lifetime of cat food and bitterness and told me to be patient, so tick tock! I’m waiting!

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