Counterpoint: A cappella? No way!

No.

No.

Uh uh.

Get the fuck––

I just.

No.

My sister was over the other day to make sure my plants were watered and she brought along my little niece Maria Clara, right? So like, I didn’t want her to get bored or nothing, Maria Clara I mean, not my sister (she was busy washin’ my beaters tank tops) so me and Maria Clara sit down on the sofa to watch some YouTube vids on her iPhone. Technology, am I right?

So I’m like, yo Clara, that’s what I call her sometime just Clara, I’m like yo Clara look up this song “Disturbia” for me, I heard it at MPulse! last week and it was just awesome.

So she looks for it and she taps on one of the videos cause she thinks it’s the music video. But it’s not the music video. It’s like, a bunch of people, like guys and chicks, on a stage and they’re singin’ the song. Like, it’s the same song but it’s different. I hate shit that’s different. So I’m like, “What the fuck is this,” except I didn’t really swear because my little niece was next to me and I’m not a fuckin’ animal.

And she’s like, “It’s an a cappella group.”

So here’s why a cappella fuckin’ blows:

First of all, why is everybody in a fuckin’ suit? What are you, at a wake? I get it, you go to college. You’re not better than me. Fuck you. It’s also sneaky and I don’t like that. Sneaky, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Like, no guitars or drums or nothing. What’s the deal with that? You all poor or somethin’? Not gettin’ any pity here, I’ll tell ya that much. I been workin’ construction since I was 16, and I still keep my Timberlands unscuffed. Fresh. How do you expect me to listen to anything without a bass bumpin’ enough to get me goin’ at Gold’s. Answer that one, a cachief. Acadouche.

Dag.

A calosers.

Then there’s that thing when they come out into the audience. That’s fuckin’ annoying too. Like, get outta here, ya know? I dunno.

Oh man but then little Clara showed me that video of that little Asian kid with the ukelele? Holy shit.

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