Glenn Becks’s grandiose office overlooking the Manhattan skyline at Fox News HQ. Beck sits at his massive desk and waters his fake plants.
BECK
I love you too. I love you too. I love you too.
Enter PRESIDENT THOMAS JEFFERSON.
JEFFERSON (entering urgently)
Pardon me, are you Beck?
BECK (standing)
WHA- WHA- ARE YOU- OH, MY GOD … MR. PRESIDENT.
JEFFERSON
Mr. Beck.
BECK (shaking his hand)
To what do I owe this great honor?! What a blessing- what a miraculous, strange, divine gift, I- I-
JEFFERSON
Silence, we haven’t the time.
BECK
Oh, yes, I apologize, Mr. President. Of course. And – and why is that?
JEFFERSON
I have been informed that the country that I once labored and toiled to plant and water as a seed of liberty is now being wrenched out by the roots, and that you, Glenn Beck, are the only patriot willing to stand up and remedy the situation.
BECK
Me?
JEFFERSON
Yes, you. Am I correct?
BECK
Well, Mr. President, I – Yes. Yes. Yes I am. I am indeed. Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.
JEFFERSON
I have come to provide aid. Explain the situation.
BECK
Yes, Mr. President. Absolutely.
BECK wheels out a chalkboard. On it is drawn a stick figure wearing a crown with lots of crying stick figures around it. Above is written “PRESIDENT BECK PRESIDENT BECK PRESIDENT BECK KING BECK PRESIDENT ME!!!!! I WILL WIN EVERYTHING!!! itsybitsyspider went up the water spout OBAMA = STALIN = BAD!!!!”
BECK
My apologies … just a moment.
BECK erases the board and draws a big circle.
BECK
This, Mr. President, is America. And THIS, Mr. President (scribbling all over the circle) is what is happening right now.
JEFFERSON
An invasion?
BECK
In a way, yes sir.
JEFFERSON
By foreigners? The English?!
BECK
Well, kind of, sir. I suppose, you could say the President is invading his own country, you see.
JEFFERSON
I’m afraid I don’t. Explain.
BECK
He’s taking our money.
JEFFERSON
Whose?
BECK
America’s.
JEFFERSON
How?
BECK
Well, by taxes.
JEFFERSON
Ah. And?
BECK
And Americans are sick and tired of it, Mr. President, they’re sick and tired of watching their country, our country, YOUR country, being spit on, being talked down to, being, well, being reduced to Communist Russia.
JEFFERSON
What is that.
BECK
Where Hitler ruled. Oh yes, of course, you wouldn’t actually know, well, he was, just, he was bad, to say the least. I don’t know how to explain it, but he killed a lot of people and taxed a lot, redistribution of wealth, Nazis, Goebbels, and what have you – basically, we don’t want that here in our bastion of freedom, I think it’s safe to say.
JEFFERSON
I cannot say that I grasp the situation entirely. Regardless, it is imperative that we immediately assemble the leaders of the resistance movement, perhaps in some sort of Continental Congress if you will, and then we voice our discontent through a mass protest of some sort…
BECK
Yes, Mr. President, we’re actually way ahead of you in that regard. We’ve already had our Tea Party of sorts.
JEFFERSON
Ah, the East India Company lives again. Are they involved with these horrible offenses? Have you followed our footsteps? Dressed up in costume and dumped their goods?
BECK
Oh, no sir. Our Tea Party was just a lot of people that have gotten together in Washington a few times and stomped around and gotten angry.
JEFFERSON
I see. Well that is indeed a start. They have planned their revolution?
BECK
No, no, I wouldn’t say so. No. Not exactly.
JEFFERSON
Yes. Well, I will have my men begin the first stages of assembling an army of sorts. Now identify this traitorous scoundrel of a President for me, my friend.
BECK
Well, sir, this poor excuse of a man goes by the name of Barack HUSSEIN Obama.
JEFFERSON
WHAT ON GOD’S SWEET EARTH?
BECK
I know. I know. He’s–
JEFFERSON
FOR GOD’S SAKE, BECK, EXPLAIN THAT MAN’S TOMMYROT OF A NAME.
BECK
Well, Saddam Hussein ruled over a land called Iraq, which was very-
JEFFERSON
Is this man even an American?!?
BECK
Now, that’s an interesting issue. I would say-
JEFFERSON
Where was he born? WHERE WAS HE BORN!
BECK
He says Hawaii, but his birth certificate might—
JEFFERSON
HAWAII?? What the devil … BECK, WE ARE DEALING WITH A FOREIGN IMPOSTOR. A MAN THAT HAS DESECRATED OUR CONSTITUTION WITH THE MALICIOUS INTENT TO ROT OUT OUR COUNTRY AND OUR PRINCIPLES FROM WITHIN. We must, dare I say, unseat him immediately.
BECK
Yes, well, Mr. President, before we get too hasty about this, the country has actually, well, benefited, in some ways, from having its first black President, and I think that that course…
JEFFERSON
…The man’s a negro?!?
BECK
Yes, Mr. President, but that’s not the problem, not at all, no. I mean, well, kind of, but no, no, no. He’s a Socialist, you see.
JEFFERSON
A what?!
BECK
A Communist, a Marxist, I don’t know, a Nazi. Uh … an Englishman. Does that make sense? Get it?
JEFFERSON
You are being complacent, Beck. Assemble your men immediately. We strike tomorrow.
BECK
No, no, no. Wait. Wait. PLEASE. Wait. That’s not the way to solve this. I promise you, that’s not.
JEFFERSON
What are you speaking of, of course it is. How else would you deal with such a scoundrel?!
BECK
Talk a lot about you? Get angry and scare people?! Cry on TV?!? I don’t know!! I’m doing my best.
JEFFERSON
BECK, IF YOU LOVE AMERICA AS YOU SAY YOU DO, YOU SHALL USE THE SWORD RATHER THAN THE TONGUE. I’M AFRAID THAT TIME HAS COME.
BECK
CAN WE JUST RELAX. CAN WE PLEASE JUST RELAX FOR A MINUTE.
JEFFERSON
NO, BECK. NO. I WILL NEVER RELAX IN THE FACE OF THOSE WHO IN ANY WAY SUPPRESS AMERICAN LIBERTY.
BECK
OK … With all respect … I- I- I think we should, let’s just leave this be. Pretend it never happened. Please? This is not as bad as it sounds, I promise.
JEFFERSON
You call yourself a patriot… (he spits)
BECK
I’m sorry. I- I- I love you.
Enter PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN
LINCOLN
I came as fast as I could. The L was a shitshow.
JEFFERSON
Don’t bother, Abe. Let’s go home. This man is nothing but a clown. He doesn’t love America. He is nothing to me. Nothing to us. And I have such hunger, I want to go to Sbarro’s again. Is that what they call it?
LINCOLN
Yes, Tom. Sbarro’s. Yes, indeed. We’ll meet the other Fathers there, though I am loth to leave without giving this douche a proper throttling, if what you say is true.
BECK
…Can I come?
LINCOLN
No.
JEFFERSON
Shut up, fuck you.