Glenn Becks’s grandiose office overlooking the Manhattan skyline at Fox News HQ. Beck sits at his massive desk and waters his fake plants.

BECK

I love you too. I love you too. I love you too.

Enter PRESIDENT THOMAS JEFFERSON.

JEFFERSON (entering urgently)

Pardon me, are you Beck?

BECK (standing)

WHA- WHA- ARE YOU- OH, MY GOD … MR. PRESIDENT.

JEFFERSON

Mr. Beck.

BECK (shaking his hand)

To what do I owe this great honor?! What a blessing- what a miraculous, strange, divine gift, I- I-

JEFFERSON

Silence, we haven’t the time.

BECK

Oh, yes, I apologize, Mr. President. Of course. And – and why is that?

JEFFERSON

I have been informed that the country that I once labored and toiled to plant and water as a seed of liberty is now being wrenched out by the roots, and that you, Glenn Beck, are the only patriot willing to stand up and remedy the situation.

BECK

Me?

JEFFERSON

Yes, you. Am I correct?

BECK

Well, Mr. President, I – Yes. Yes. Yes I am. I am indeed. Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.

JEFFERSON

I have come to provide aid. Explain the situation.

BECK

Yes, Mr. President. Absolutely.

BECK wheels out a chalkboard. On it is drawn a stick figure wearing a crown with lots of crying stick figures around it. Above is written “PRESIDENT BECK PRESIDENT BECK PRESIDENT BECK KING BECK PRESIDENT ME!!!!! I WILL WIN EVERYTHING!!! itsybitsyspider went up the water spout OBAMA = STALIN = BAD!!!!”

BECK

My apologies … just a moment.

BECK erases the board and draws a big circle.

BECK

This, Mr. President, is America. And THIS, Mr. President (scribbling all over the circle) is what is happening right now.

JEFFERSON

An invasion?

BECK

In a way, yes sir.

JEFFERSON

By foreigners? The English?!

BECK

Well, kind of, sir. I suppose, you could say the President is invading his own country, you see.

JEFFERSON

I’m afraid I don’t. Explain.

BECK

He’s taking our money.

JEFFERSON

Whose?

BECK

America’s.

JEFFERSON

How?

BECK

Well, by taxes.

JEFFERSON

Ah. And?

BECK

And Americans are sick and tired of it, Mr. President, they’re sick and tired of watching their country, our country, YOUR country, being spit on, being talked down to, being, well, being reduced to Communist Russia.

JEFFERSON

What is that.

BECK

Where Hitler ruled. Oh yes, of course, you wouldn’t actually know, well, he was, just, he was bad, to say the least. I don’t know how to explain it, but he killed a lot of people and taxed a lot, redistribution of wealth, Nazis, Goebbels, and what have you – basically, we don’t want that here in our bastion of freedom, I think it’s safe to say.

JEFFERSON

I cannot say that I grasp the situation entirely. Regardless, it is imperative that we immediately assemble the leaders of the resistance movement, perhaps in some sort of Continental Congress if you will, and then we voice our discontent through a mass protest of some sort…

BECK

Yes, Mr. President, we’re actually way ahead of you in that regard. We’ve already had our Tea Party of sorts.

JEFFERSON

Ah, the East India Company lives again. Are they involved with these horrible offenses? Have you followed our footsteps? Dressed up in costume and dumped their goods?

BECK

Oh, no sir. Our Tea Party was just a lot of people that have gotten together in Washington a few times and stomped around and gotten angry.

JEFFERSON

I see. Well that is indeed a start. They have planned their revolution?

BECK

No, no, I wouldn’t say so. No. Not exactly.

JEFFERSON

Yes. Well, I will have my men begin the first stages of assembling an army of sorts. Now identify this traitorous scoundrel of a President for me, my friend.

BECK

Well, sir, this poor excuse of a man goes by the name of Barack HUSSEIN Obama.

JEFFERSON

WHAT ON GOD’S SWEET EARTH?

BECK

I know. I know. He’s–

JEFFERSON

FOR GOD’S SAKE, BECK, EXPLAIN THAT MAN’S TOMMYROT OF A NAME.

BECK

Well, Saddam Hussein ruled over a land called Iraq, which was very-

JEFFERSON

Is this man even an American?!?

BECK

Now, that’s an interesting issue. I would say-

JEFFERSON

Where was he born? WHERE WAS HE BORN!

BECK

He says Hawaii, but his birth certificate might—

JEFFERSON

HAWAII?? What the devil … BECK, WE ARE DEALING WITH A FOREIGN IMPOSTOR. A MAN THAT HAS DESECRATED OUR CONSTITUTION WITH THE MALICIOUS INTENT TO ROT OUT OUR COUNTRY AND OUR PRINCIPLES FROM WITHIN. We must, dare I say, unseat him immediately.

BECK

Yes, well, Mr. President, before we get too hasty about this, the country has actually, well, benefited, in some ways, from having its first black President, and I think that that course…

JEFFERSON

…The man’s a negro?!?

BECK

Yes, Mr. President, but that’s not the problem, not at all, no. I mean, well, kind of, but no, no, no. He’s a Socialist, you see.

JEFFERSON

A what?!

BECK

A Communist, a Marxist, I don’t know, a Nazi. Uh … an Englishman. Does that make sense? Get it?

JEFFERSON

You are being complacent, Beck. Assemble your men immediately. We strike tomorrow.

BECK

No, no, no. Wait. Wait. PLEASE. Wait. That’s not the way to solve this. I promise you, that’s not.

JEFFERSON

What are you speaking of, of course it is. How else would you deal with such a scoundrel?!

BECK

Talk a lot about you? Get angry and scare people?! Cry on TV?!? I don’t know!! I’m doing my best.

JEFFERSON

BECK, IF YOU LOVE AMERICA AS YOU SAY YOU DO, YOU SHALL USE THE SWORD RATHER THAN THE TONGUE. I’M AFRAID THAT TIME HAS COME.

BECK

CAN WE JUST RELAX. CAN WE PLEASE JUST RELAX FOR A MINUTE.

JEFFERSON

NO, BECK. NO. I WILL NEVER RELAX IN THE FACE OF THOSE WHO IN ANY WAY SUPPRESS AMERICAN LIBERTY.

BECK

OK … With all respect … I- I- I think we should, let’s just leave this be. Pretend it never happened. Please? This is not as bad as it sounds, I promise.

JEFFERSON

You call yourself a patriot… (he spits)

BECK

I’m sorry. I- I- I love you.

Enter PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN

LINCOLN

I came as fast as I could. The L was a shitshow.

JEFFERSON

Don’t bother, Abe. Let’s go home. This man is nothing but a clown. He doesn’t love America. He is nothing to me. Nothing to us. And I have such hunger, I want to go to Sbarro’s again. Is that what they call it?

LINCOLN

Yes, Tom. Sbarro’s. Yes, indeed. We’ll meet the other Fathers there, though I am loth to leave without giving this douche a proper throttling, if what you say is true.

BECK

…Can I come?

LINCOLN

No.

JEFFERSON

Shut up, fuck you.