Hey Lauren, it’s me, Lauren

Dear 9-Year-Old Lauren,

Hey, kid. I like your glasses. The red frames? Too cute. You’re so ahead of your time. Wanna hear something cool? My name is Lauren too. I’m Lauren … from the future (cue Toy Story Aliens saying, “oooohh.”) I’m you in 10 years. Yes I know I’m not wearing glasses. You’re going to get contact lenses in about six months. And then you’ll switch schools. And everyone at your new school will think you’re really cool. And then you’ll get braces.

It gets better eventually, I promise.

I’m writing you this letter because 2010 is right around the corner. Just like Mom always threatened, the past 10 years have gone by pretty fast. I thought it might be helpful to let you know about some of the things that are going to be coming your way in the next decade. We’ll see what this trans-temporal information sharing does to the space-time continuum.

The first thing you need to know is that the “Y2K bug” turned out to be nothing. When the clocks strike midnight, all the computers aren’t going to crash and the world as you know it isn’t going to end. In fact, besides the grown-ups popping some bottles of champagne and Jeffrey Silver spilling yet another glass of Martinelli’s apple cider, nothing much of anything is going to happen. That year’s supply of tuna fish and canned green beans that Mom bought “just in case” is going to sit in the cupboard for the next six years or so. So stop stressing and go enjoy your night. You didn’t buy that new shirt at Limited Too for nothing.

Good news! Spice Girls are going to get back together in 2007 (you still won’t get to see them in concert). Ginger is going to resurface and she’ll be the hottest one. They will never return to the full glory years of Spice and Spice World, but it’s something to look forward to. Oh and Posh will finally ditch “the little Gucci dress,” launch her own clothing line and have a reality show with her soccer-playing hunk of a husband, David Beckham.

There’s going to be a black Disney Princess. Oh yeah, and a black President.

People are going to stop wearing pants as girls everywhere will begin to think that it is acceptable to wear opaque tights and shirts and nothing else. This crazy singer named “Lady Gaga” will be partially responsible for legitimizing this trend. Gaga will one day be famous for her catchy dance party tunes and outrageous outfits. Think bows made of human hair, sparkling snakeskin body suits, 12-inch heels and metallic leotards. Concurrent with this rise in pantslessness will be the creation of “Uggs,” shearling boots that are both immensely comfortable and immensely unattractive. They don’t call them “ugg” for nothing. You will own a pair and wear them proudly.

I still haven’t figured out why Mom wouldn’t let you buy “Now That’s What I Call Music Volume 3.” It probably had something to do with the inclusion of Fatboy Slim’s “That Rockafeller Skank.” You’ll have 29 more chances to get a “Now” CD over the next 10 years. They’re up to Volume 32.

Some cranky scientists will demote Pluto, declaring that it is no longer a planet. About 100 online groups will be created to bemoan the loss of this important astronomical landmark. “When I was your age, Pluto was still a planet!”

Oh and in 2007 you’ll find out that Riley Roberts, the fourth grade heartthrob, liked you too.

See you in the future!

Love,

Lauren

Comments

  • ?

    what is this? self-indulgent musings of pre-teen?

  • Hmmmm

    Someone credit Ethan Kuperberg for doing this in the YDN … and better too.

  • haha

    this was really cute! made me think about all the changes in the past 10 years… nice article.

  • Be nice!

    This was a beautiful article! Clever and fun to read.? And hmmm are jealous.

  • @ hmmmm

    That’s what I was thinking too!

    I still enjoyed reading this, though I did IMMEDIATELY revert back to Kuperberg’s hilarious transcript.