Get laid, Get on Craigslist

One day, I was horny. I was in that place where I tend to be once or twice a week — a place in which I need to ejaculate. And I didn’t want to masturbate.

That place is purple. There, you just need to get off but you want it to be grand. Despite the fact that it will be a mess post-climax. Despite the regret and the knowledge that it would have been better to have just touched yourself. Now you have to worry about AIDS. Now you have to worry about a baby. Now you are but a sweaty remnant of a self that smells like someone else.

Still, you want to have sex. No strings attached.

But back to me: I wanted it, but I didn’t know where to get it. I needed some “thing” more than some “one,” but only “someone” could be that “thing.” Empirically, I needed to answer the question: where can I find someone who is willing to give me what I want?

I was scared at first of how fast I thought of an answer. The Internet seemed like the easy, sleazy way to go. But I wasn’t going to wait any longer, so I went to the one site everyone seems to talk about when it comes to finding sexual relief online.

Craigslist.com was just too perfect. There is no registration; in fact, the biggest obstacle I encountered in the process of contacting another horny soul was an “anti-bot box” with distorted text. Not very challenging.

But at that point, I realized I didn’t have any search parameters and there were too many options.

Men or women? Around my age or older? My race or other? What weight? What height?

I then made a list, and it became obvious: the only thing that mattered was that he/she was a Yalie. Honestly, I thought it’d make it less pathetic. Certainly it’d make it safer.

Right?

And so it began. To my surprise, there actually was a Craigslist market for sex at Yale, though only under “men seeking men.” No Yale ladies seem to frequent the purple place.

I went from a shy observer to an active poster in new haven craigslist > personals > men seeking men. In three days, it was a bookmark. One week later, I had mastered the acronyms: NSA (no strings attached), VGL (very good looking) and DDF (drugs and disease free).

I still remember my first find like it was two minutes ago.

Title: “just got in, looking to hook up.”

Age: 21.

Location: Yale. Body of post: “hey i just got back in and im pretty horny. im looking to hook up with someone. im 5’11’’, 160lb, white, bottom, cut. can host, send stats and we can go from there. hit me up if you want some hot action tonight.”

Ah, did I have some hot action that night.

Don’t fret, though. It’s not hard to find someone that will satisfy your libido. It only takes some practice and common sense.

With the ability to separate the too-sketchy-and-probably-on-acid from the not-so-sketch-and-probably-in-the-same-situation-as-I-am, you will succeed. Mainly because those on acid will flat-out state it in their posts.

Take:

Title: “Nasty Que Dawg,” age: 23. Body of post: “To be as candid as possible I want to bust several nuts tonight. I want to eat sum ass get my ass ate suck some dick get my dick sucked, kiss, hug, and cuddle (not necessarily in that order) I am interested in black males and black males only (just my preferance [sic]) Get at me if you want to do that. Holla at your boy. Very educated in grad school at Yale so you must be able to hold a conversation and be VERY DISCREET. Poppers or acid also a plus.”

Yale student or not, Nasty Que Dawg (NQD from now on) is the classic example of a user most will ignore. Let’s break it down.

It’s okay to obviate apostrophes and/or punctuation in a Craigslist post. That doesn’t make you less attractive. What is wrong, though, is to fail at basic grammar (exhibit A : “get my ass ate”) or to clearly ignore the spelling of some words (exhibit B: “preferance”).

NQD does both, and he still dares to boast to be a Yale grad student looking for someone “able to hold a conversation.” In the personality department, however, NQD’s biggest mistake is to be plain sketchy (exhibit C: “Holla at your boy,” or even better ­— exhibit D: “poppers or acid also a plus”).

There’s more. NQD goes funny ­— exhibit E: “not necessarily in that order.”

Never go funny in your posting, and never contact anyone who does. These people should be getting your attention with facts about themselves (“stats”), such as physical description and interests ­— not jokes.

Also, the post itself is too long. You are looking for someone with a clear goal (NSA sex), who is able to describe it in a maximum of three sentences. NQD is cocky, picky and stupid. You don’t want to fuck that.

Now take:

Title: “toned top looking to play.”

Age: 25.

Body of post: “6’0, 150, dirty blond/hazel toned top looking to fool around tonight. yalies are definitely preferred. send a face pic for a response. very discreet here, and i expect the same.”

Now, “toned top” knows what he’s looking for. He’s also given you information about himself, and even added a picture (one of those mirror self-pics) of everything but his face.

He is being demanding in that he wants a picture of your face when he’s not showing his own, but hey, he’s “very discreet.” You don’t want everyone to know you go on Craigslist for these purposes, do you?

It’s funny how most (allegedly) Yale-affiliated Craigslist users claim discretion. No one wants to be out there, and it takes good effort to finally receive a picture of a face — around 4-5 e-mails good effort. And when it comes, the prize is most probably a very old, very blurry picture of someone else.

Still, Yale students abound on Craigslist, particularly during the weekends. There are those who want “to eat sum ass and get sum head” and those who are “looking to suck after class.” Perfect matches.

Then there’s the VGL athlete: “looking for other athletic guys on campus only,” and that for whom one is not enough: “maybe we can get a few guys over here at my single.” Like Toad’s Place, online.

But my absolute favorite, probably the saddest one at the same time, reads: “just looking for someone to cuddle and kiss.” Swoon.

With so many options and nothing to lose but self-respect, celibacy can no longer be blamed on a lack of opportunity. Craigslist exists — stop fucking yourself.

Comments

  • Pierson90

    Gee. The standards of the YDN have really sunk to new lows. Why do you print this garbage?

  • anonymouse

    um, ew.

  • Goldie ’08

    What if this was about a straight male trolling for casual sex with Yale women on craigslist?

  • none

    This belongs in Rumpus. I bet this is going to be in Rumpus, Rumpus.

  • Very Disappointed Mom

    I sent my daughter off to Yale last year expecting her to be educated with the best of the best. Not to be sitting in class with someone who would actually write/publish THIS kind of TRASH! Is this the kind of smut the author and editor want read by future employers? Can Tom come back? This isn’t the same YDN I proudly boasted to family and friends a year ago.

  • ChillPeople

    He’s clearly a modern Jonathan Swift a la A Modest Proposal. Does no one understand that this is ironic?

  • Very disappointed sophomore

    This is disgusting piece of journalism.
    To be honest, the issue of looking for sexual partners on internet is not new yet it still interesting, nor is the manner of “confession”-style account unreasonable.

    There is huge lack of taste and the writing is simply deficient and vulgar. Just hideous.

    I would have said it first but #4 got me first.
    This is just Rumpus. And to be honest, Rumpus has much better taste in these stories.

    I can only see the laughters in Herald’s editors. I know the rest of the campus laughs.

  • me

    actually this is really funny, stop being so pretentious, you’re sick of masturbating too.

  • ohcomenow

    Lenny Bruce lives! But, of course, a nod to the craigslist killer might have been in order. Even our dear ivys are not immune from the darker side of collegiate shenanigans. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning, and that slant might have made for the greater journalistic depth to which we are accustomed in these “pages.”

  • el

    good job, new editorial board…
    you paper is only good for wrapping my sardines, now you have made it disgusting to even use it for that!

  • rga

    What’s so shocking? Aren’t a third to half of us trailer trash anyway?

  • leopardblouse

    The author is clearly a visionary. This article is just too ironic for you to understand. It’s so… meta.

  • prence

    This was pretty terrible and whoever said ‘Lenny Bruce’ should be punched in the face for even mentioning his name anywhere near this piece of garbage.

  • Anon

    The responses only enhance the piece. Hilarious. Well done.

  • irony and satire have their place…

    But this level of profanity is simply too vulgar for a respectable journalistic institution like the YDN. Would the New York Times publish this piece? Absolutely not! This kind of profanity and tastelessness belongs only in the kind of publication that does not engage in serious journalism. New board of YDN: get your act together or jeopardize your institution and wreck all the good work that was put in over the past several years. Your redesign was beautiful – it just doesn’t make any sense to have a paper that looks like the Wall Street Journal and reads like the etchings on a bathroom stall.

  • Mr. Duran

    Another great article.

    You know what we say: “Keep it up!”

    Love,

    Dad

  • anon

    Journalists do not choose what is “proper” to write about and what is “not.” They write about reality as they understand it. If you are disgusted by this article, you are allowing yourself to be disgusted by another person’s reality. If you say this article should not have been written, you say that this writer should not have tried to describe reality as he saw it. You are trying to deny his reality.

    This is not “nihilism.” This is not “relativism.” This is you confronting the outer limits of the world as you have allowed yourself to conceive it.

    To you we say: “Hello!”

  • @ anon

    You clearly don’t understand responsible journalism and your post has contributed nothing to the readers. Writing an article about finding sex on Craiglist would actually be an interesting piece and would expose a phenomenon that does occur. Real journalism involves good research, good writing, and maintaining basic journalistic standards. One of these standards is that authors do not use profanity when not quoting others. In particular, using the f-word (I write it that way so that this comment does not get censored) is fine if you are quoting the “F*** the draft” Supreme Court case, but it is not okay if the author inserts it on his own. Unfortunately, this article does not have a compelling voice, is extremely poorly written, and involves the use of needless profanity for shock value. Sex on Craigslist is certainly a valid topic to write about. Writing about it this poorly and profanely, however, is not. The YDN is a respectable newspaper, and you do not see this kind of profanity in any good papers, particularly not when it’s used in lieu of good writing.

  • Goldie ’08

    Again, I ask what the response would have been if this had been written by a straight Zeta brother who was tired of masturbating and went on craigslist looking for Yale chicks to bang?

    Also, I agree with comment #18. This article lacks a coherent voice. It reads like a blog post (though every article in scene reads like a blog post or the author is trying to have a conversation with me)

  • ___

    don’t freak out guys, this was in the scene section of ydn

  • @ #10

    who wraps sardines in newspaper? who eats sardines?

    who uses that in an insult against a college newspaper?

  • Disappointed

    What has happened to Yale’s standard? This is an Ivy school such trash!.

    Very disappointed!

  • MomsInput

    TOTALLY AGREED WITH #5, NO STANDARDS LEFT AT YDN, HOW SAD & DISAPPOINTED, THIS IS AN “IVY SCHOOL”, NOT AN INTERNET CHAT ROOM!

  • CL Voyeur

    Re Goldie 08: Interesting observation, but it really highlights the double standard of the opportunities that society affords gay and straight men to find partners… str8 guys can easily “cruise” openly in our culture.. gay guys cannot, without risk of even death… hence so much internet and other covert contacting. Sad…

  • ilovebangingyalechicks

    wow i dont know what got me to read this but i guees it was your title. Get laid, on craigs list. i guees i was just shocked to see this on your ydn. and the reason why single women wouldnt put a post like that on craigs list is cuz they take me and some friends to there dorms whenever we leave toads on a saterday night.

  • ROFLCOPTER

    Ah, Mr. Barcia’s going to regret this article in a year or two when he’s applying for jobs.

  • CL Voyeur

    Well, Mr. #25, you must not be satisfying them all, because the chicks are still posting on CL, too.

  • yaledad

    Nothing wrong with writing this. Publishing it? That’s a different story.

  • NC student

    I Googled best college newspapers and Yale was at number 1. This was the first story I clicked, and as an editor of a student newspaper, I must say, not as impressed as I thought I would be.

    Entertaining though.

  • Brilliant

    Love the article! Love that its in a STUDENT newspaper. . .Love that it is not homophobic! LOVE that people are disgusted by it (just goes to show ignorance) and LOVE LOVE LOVE the topic!

  • Marcel

    Would the New York Times publish this? Probably not. Is the YDN the New York Times? Definitely not, as much as you proud mommies and daddies would like to believe it is. Yale isn’t a PG, Disney version of real life and your little girls probably hang out with ilovebangingyalechicks and his friends every Wednesday night at Toads (maybe that should scare/disgust you more than this article).

    I agree with Brilliant, if this is what happens at Yale (and it does, more than some people might be comfortable with judging by the comments) it should be written about. The way it was written didn’t blow me away but Mr. Barcia writes for Scene, this is the voice he’s comfortable with and the voice he’s trying to develop and you can be sure he wrote “Ah, did I get some hot action that night” with the full intention of taking you out of your comfort zone and pissing some people off. So I guess he succeeded.

  • Anon

    With so many options and nothing to lose but your (health).

    You forgot to add that one in Gabriel!

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