Bad songs go bad

What do drunken Yale girls want on Saturday at 1 a.m. nearly as much as Yorkside pizza and/or cock? To dance, of course! What do their plastered male counterparts desire? In many cases, sloppy chicks/other men rubbing up on their genitals — to a beat! Sadly, too many weekend dance parties, particularly those of the dorm variety, feature flaccid sound tracks. This sub-music, from such luminaries as Drake and Jay Sean, could make sober ears bleed and sober minds seek lobotomies.

If you’re going to throw a dance party, it is your civic duty to play dance-able music. But don’t just hop the easy bus and download iTunes’s Top 10, or better yet, a ninth-grader’s shower repertoire. These songs are pandering to the masses. While some crowds of Natty Ice-bloated freshmen enjoy singing along to that ever-democratizing Smash Mouth song, this freshman would rather smash many things in her mouth. So that you don’t have to spend an hour on Pitchfork or call your douchey part-time DJ cousin, here’s some Viagra for your sound system.

TIRED OF: “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas

REPLACE WITH: “Keep It Goin’ Louder (feat. Nina Sky and Ricky Blaze)” by Major Lazer

No one needs Fergie’s premonition that “tonight’s gonna be a good night” to preface actually having said good night. If fun times are really in store, bolt from a party upon hearing the first few tinny chords of this unimaginative piece of overproduced ’90s refuse and fire up your own throwdown with Major Lazer’s dance hall hype fest. “Keep It Goin’ Louder” features a tight beat, Nina Sky’s gorgeous harmonies and not so much as a trace of will.i.am.

TIRED OF: “My Girls” by Animal Collective

REPLACE WITH: “Feel It All Around” by Washed Out

While MoLo probably wouldn’t fuck with Animal Collective at this point, an exclusive set of Yalies have heard “My Girls” at approximately every watery hipster flail-sesh this month. “Merriweather Post Pavillion” has had its spin, and Washed Out is just starting to swirl into flannel-enveloped hearts everywhere. “Feel It All Around” evokes an AC-esque atmospheric din with all the groove and half the effort.

TIRED OF: “Good Girls Go Bad (feat. Leighton Meester)” by Cobra Starship

REPLACE WITH: “Sexy Bitch (feat. Akon)” by David Guetta

It’s depressing to realize that someone decided Leighton Meester’s pedestrian acting and Cobra Starship’s saccharine sound might yield a compound effect of greatness; and then that someone made serious money on the commercial success of this lackluster racket. While the “good girls gone bad” suffer from a bad pop hangover, sexy bitches worldwide are twerking to the latest dance hit from remixasaurus rex David Guetta.

TIRED OF: “Fire Burning” by Sean Kingston

REPLACE WITH: “Out Here Grindin’ (feat. Akon, Rick Ross, Young Jeezy, Lil Boosie, Plies, Ace Hood, Trick Daddy)” by DJ Khaled

Everyone’s favorite overweight mediocrity from the Caribbean will be filling $4.99 bins at Walmart in two months. Ditch his weak blaze and make bodies writhe with this not-so-new yet under-hyped single. This song stars a smorgasbord of hip-hop main dishes with a brutal hook and a locked flow from one game-spitter to the next.

TIRED OF: “Party in the U.S.A.” by Miley Cyrus

REPLACE WITH: “Party in the U.S.A. Dance Remix” by DJ Dark Intensity

Miley Cyrus sounds like a middle-aged meth addict on helium. That being said, nobody on Planet Earth can deny the infectiousness. Enter reconciliation: Synth the hell out of the melody, drown out Miley’s screech with frenetic layering, and hustle the tempo up to a mind-blowing, booty-shaking clip. It doesn’t really matter who DJ Dark Intensity is — or that you will only find this remix on YouTube. Shit just gets you moving your hips like yeah.

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