Anti-fashion week

The eager members of the class of 2013 invade campus, tantalized by prospects of fresh identities. The first-day outfit is laboriously selected, the obscure lingo haphazardly lands in conversations to maximize coolness and accessories abound. Welcome to Yale. Define yourself hard and fast. Embrace the many faces of a desperate aesthetic.

The Idle Jock

Between your 5:30 am practices and your underwhelming performances in language classes, there’s obviously no time to put on some respectable clothing. The baggy Yale sweats, “I just like the range of motion” spandex, and sweat-stained T-shirts look sooo authentic. Guys, it’s no big deal, gigantic shoulders compensate for the fashion fouls. Girls, nice to meet your forehead, since that ponytail never comes down. But consider yourself a civilian once you toss on a slinky sheath and straighten your hair to an anxious sheen for parties. Go bulldogs?

I Exited The Womb Looking This Shitty

Courtesy of your neighborhood Salvation Army (and your parents’ AmEx Gold), filthy rags have become the new Urban Outfitters. You go little lady, strutting around Old Campus mummified in hemp, donning clothing once deemed “groovy” but now threadbare and dirty enough to support plant life. You’re so green.

Regulation Hipster

You thought you’d drop bombs on the Ivy League with those skinny jeans and lumberjack plaid — because most intelligent, intellectual kids have zero style and wear Oshkosh B’Gosh pants, right? Game on, says Joe Hipster who buys Oshkosh mom jeans from the nearest vintage slum and buttons them high over the ubiquitous, ironically logo-less American Apparel V-neck. Swathed in scarves and satchels and other enormous pieces of material resembling hammocks, your waifish body is barely visible in there. Keep smoking those cloves, since cancer is the new vegan-induced anemia.

Post-Hipster

Regulation Hipster remixed. You almost sarcastically pair those second-skin Levi 511s with a preppy button-down and boat shoes. Perhaps the bright shades of day-glo offer nuance to your high-waisted skirts and the typical Ray Bans. Maybe you go for the Shitty Out The Womb look, augmented with overpriced acid-wash anything and a token Bill Cosby cardigan. Either way, you’re taking hipster to new heights. Without trying hard. AT ALL.

Baby Sluts

So you’ve flown the coop and you think it’s time to spread those wings. Or that cleavage. No parents around to judge the outfit before your hot night out getting molested at Toad’s; why not show what you’ve got, nay, everything you’ve got. On second thought, that’s a shirt not a dress, the Madam of New Haven Green wants her fuck-me boots back, and your face still screams 12-year-old.

New England Prep

Cultivated at the top boarding schools in America, their style hasn’t changed and never will. Conservatism at its best! Gentlemen don plaid and khaki bottoms, sweater vests, polos emblazoned with the logo of a Manhattan legal practice/Florida golf course and anything but jeans (so gauche). Women get their classy on in Lily Pulitzer, more plaid, more khaki, headbands from the Children’s Place and plenty of overpriced J. Crew baubles. Please note that some of the New England Prep set had identity crises during Camp Yale and mistook themselves for Baby Sluts. Seersucker skirts tend to lose their country-club chic when left on the bathroom floor at Zeta Psi.

Yale Newbs

You know them, you potentially room with them, and you probably disregard them. Khaki cargo shorts, New Balance sneaks, *2013 shirt (no, we can’t explain the asterisk), Blue Book surgically attached to the forehead. International Science Fair accolades won’t work as a standalone bolster for your repute here at Yale. High school’s over. Time to grow a style.

Comments

  • redemption

    wtf is this girl and wtf is she pretending to be? you’ve been here for what, a week? you think you can already categorize your entire class?

    well, no you cannot. can’t believe this was actually even considered to be put on scene.

  • hahah

    hater? whatevs she has some decent points.

  • upperclassman

    This article is spectacular. Little too close to home for Redemption?

  • y12

    the wisdom and insight this woman displays is astounding and beyond her years. this is a fantastic article. and redemption, i am sorry that you’ve just realized you’re a yale newb, but don’t take it out on this great authos. this is a genuinely funny piece.

  • nope

    this is just mean.

  • B

    astute, incisive, but still needs some maturation. Look forward to more from AG

  • DDY

    a new nd powerful voice in new haven. go, girl: you rock.

  • Julian

    this is actually pretty stupid. tell me, how should people dress?

  • SVC

    You can’t snark at people for putting on airs and then conclude by snarking at people for not putting on airs.

  • ’12bulldawg

    what a terrible person

  • Yale’11

    It is so offensive and disrespectful to generalize athletes the way you do here, and the way the YD”N” continues to do in their articles. Not only your implication that all athletes at Yale are idiots, but that what they do isn’t that hard is outrageous and clearly made totally out of ignorance. If you think that all varsity athletes do is shuffle from class to practice to Toad’s, you clearly have never been an athlete nor have ever met one. combined with several hour long practices six days a week, weight training, physical therapy, charity events that Yale teams are spectacularly active in, school work and various other extracurricular activities, I guess not all Yale athletes have finding the right, fun hipster head band to wear everyday as high on their list of priorities as some other students do.
    You really want to even call this journalism?
    More like bitter, uniformed ramblings from a freshman who has had less than a month at Yale to make anything more than broad generalizations.
    Good job.

  • LOL

    way to be judgmental, frosh. you’ve been here like, four hours. shut up. (also, lily pulitzer and baubles? where do you hang out? you’ll see this on some hipster’s mom, MAYBE.)

  • wow

    i don’t see how this is informative to anyone. yes people dress badly, but i would venture to say that there are people who dress badly EVERYWHERE. and as an athlete myself, i find the “idle jock” completely ignorant. i’m sorry my schedule’s a bit busier than yours so i don’t have time to obsess over what others think about my wardrobe. woe is me for not taking the time to pick out a gorgeous outfit every day. That would involve me waking up even earlier (than my supposed 5.30 am practice–that’s only swimming, crew and football thank you very much) and since I value sleep over other people’s superficial opinions of me that’s not gonna happen.

    and as a frosh, i’m sorry but no one cares what you have come up with in less than a semester. you take care of your style. i’m sure according to you it’s fabulous. but don’t insult other people for no good reason.