Kuperberg: Avenue I[nternship]

The stage is covered with dirty clothes and is poorly lit. Ethan and Marco’s room. Ethan has just woken up and is pacing while Marco gently snores. Ethan starts to sing.

ETHAN

Two months ‘til summer, what do I do?

This is a bummer. I have no clue.

When I hear what others are up to, I’m put in a bad mood …

ENSEMBLE OF ASSHOLES

Winning a full grant to Japan!

Cancer research with brain scans!

Solving the crisis with Iran!

ETHAN

But as it stands —

I have no plans —

I’m really pretty screwed!

MARCO

Please quiet down, I’m still asleep,

All right man? Thank you.

ETHAN

No problem, I’m off to my last hope …

New York for an interview!

MARCO

Thank God.

The set changes unrealistically quickly to the New Haven Train Station.

ETHAN

One Metro-North ticket would be great, and please make it quick — I’m running late!

CASHIER

Cash or credit?

ETHAN

Credit, bro!

CASHIER

Are you taking peak hours?

ETHAN

I don’t know!

The set changes unrealistically quickly to the subway.

ETHAN

I’ve got to figure this out quick, no time for mistakes!

But all these lines on this map just look like multicolored snakes.

Is this stop Lexington and 51st, or is it 53rd?

ANGRY WOMAN

They actually are the same stop.

ETHAN

That’s really quite absurd.

POSSIBLE MUGGER

Hey man can you spare some dough?

ETHAN

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, bro.

POSSIBLE MUGGER

Did I mention that I have a knife?

ETHAN

Okay, here you go.

Elaborate dance number as Ethan is robbed.

ETHAN

Is this fifth and 59th? I can’t read the sign.

I should have asked my mugger how to get to the red line.

40 minutes pass as Ethan gets off at several random stops, asks a lot of people for help and eventually finds his way through trial and error.

ETHAN

Finally at the right stop, that wasn’t such a pain.

Now only ten more blocks in this pouring New York rain!

Elaborate dance number as Ethan walks ten blocks. He reaches his building and is greeted by several adults in suits, who sit behind a really fancy table looking at really fancy papers. They sing in a really fancy way.

ADULTS IN SUITS

Your resume’s atrocious.

And the font seems to be runny.

ETHAN

It’s actually in Jester —

I thought it would be funny?

ADULTS IN SUITS

You can’t list in Experience that you had fun at prom.

And under reference right here you simply wrote “my mom.”

Listen, as a candidate, you’re really not ideal —

ETHAN

Sure I may not have the skills, but hey — my sex appeal?

ADULTS IN SUITS

That is not required.

Ethan begins to walk to the door, dejectedly.

ADULTS IN SUITS

But in today’s economy,

It’s hard to find anybody

Willing to intern for free;

You’re hired!

The music stops.

ETHAN

Wait — for free? What would my Dad say?

Ethan’s Dad is lowered down by wires. He is dressed in a white robe and sings deeply.

DAD

Remember these last words, my son:

If the internship’s unpaid,

You’ll be screwed in the long run

With financial aid.

ETHAN

Thanks Dad, you’re right!

No’s my reply!

ADULTS IN SUITS

So you don’t want the job?

ETHAN

No thanks, goodbye!

Everyone from the whole world comes on stage for an enormous dance number finale.

ETHAN

I’ve learned a lot today

About the world, and me!

And though I’m distressed

Stressed and depressed

I’ll never, ever work for free!

MUGGER FROM EARLIER

You got that right!

EVERYONE

He’ll never work for free!

Comments

  • Steve

    SOMEONE has a date with destiny!

  • shellieburk

    This video proves that WOMEN are responsible for rape culture: http://goo.gl/f4pXo