Gordon: Thou shalt girlgasm

Every bro has a story, says BroBible.com. And like the stories of public bathrooms and fallen Disney starlets, they are often tragic, repulsive and frightening parables of contemporary society.

BroBible posts include the secret joys of watching girls with good bodies binge eat, advice on how to guesstimate your girl’s “sex number” (add one if she wears giant hoop earrings, subtract one if she owns her own horse, etc.), invectives to “Facebook that Ho, Bro!” and news in tech, sports and music that are relevant to the bro community.

I must pay due respect to BroBible’s reduction of itself to a cultural stereotype. There is a certain charming wit to their “Brofiles” and “Brommunity” pages. But the blog also makes me want to cry a little.

I don’t, however, want to declaim BroBible bigotry at this present moment. My concern for this column is that BroBible is peddling certain sophistries, most egregiously a post by their on-hand female sexpert, “kammeo,” about Faking Orgasms.

Kammeo says that 70 percent of women admit to faking. Only 25 percent of women can reach orgasm through intercourse, she adds, so the lack of real orgasms isn’t that surprising.

But why do women fake as opposed to kindly explaining that the penetration is nice and all, but not transcendent? Her conclusion: Because they like you. If they didn’t want a repeat performance, she explains, they wouldn’t waste the “time or energy” to fake it.

I see some logical flaws in this argument:

A) It is much easier to simulate a couple moans and body contractions than to remain stoic and mute through an entire sexual encounter. And by easier, I mean the alternative is INCREDIBLY AWKWARD.

B) Faking an orgasm does not waste time. You are already spending that time not having an orgasm.

C) Faking is not a good strategy if you want to sleep with someone again, because the guy thinks he knows what works and it gets harder and harder to correct him, creating a cycle of orgasmic poverty.

D) If you really do like someone, you are more likely to tell him what you want with words and sounds and mime and other creative modes of bedroom communication.

So I have an alternative explanation for why girls fake with guys. It’s because guys (and a lot of girls) assume female orgasms are like the male orgasm: Up, up, up and away and rapidly down and don’t touch it for a bit because it’s sensitive.

Girls do not function this way. A physics metaphor may help illuminate the difference.

Boygasms are photons, zooming down a straight line, while girlgasms are waveforms, waving down a wavy line. They can both make identical patterns when they go through a hole, but most of the time their natures are very different.

That was a physics joke, by the way, about interference patterns. I used to do a lot of physics. Now I just use physics for sexual analogies. Aren’t you proud, Mom and Dad? Aren’t you proud, Ms. Greenwood, my 10th grade physics teacher?

Remember when you found that picture I drew of you, Ms. Greenwood? My sketch of your naked aging form, rendered in spectacular anatomical detail for the amusement of my classmates? It all seems so prophetic!

Remember when you told me, Ms. Greenwood, that I had only completed one homework assignment the entire year in a cruel, judgmental tone because I’d only completed one homework assignment the entire year?

Remember how old you are, Ms. Greenwood? YEAH.

Remember how I segued from orgasms to you, Ms. Greenwood, to talking about orgasms again?

I bet you never saw it coming.

Females can have many small orgasms in a row, at random intervals. They can have a minor orgasm and then totally lose the mood. They can have one big orgasm, or two or three. They can have no orgasms but still have a good time. These ideas can be very difficult to communicate to guys whose orgasmic tracks are minor variations on one very linear theme.

Faking an orgasm is certainly not the recipe for a sexually fulfilling relationship. But it’s a symptom, while the cause is a total lack of understanding of how female bodies actually work. A quick scan of mainstream porn reveals this general formula:

1) Girl goes down on guy, with great enthusiasm.

2) Girl hops onto guy, with no for-her-pleasure foreplay.

3) And yet … instant delight! Magical theatrics! Squeals aplenty!

4) Guy grunts.

5) Guy releases on [insert female body part of choice].

With this fantastical version of female sexuality, no wonder it’s hard for women to communicate the less straightforward reality. Faking orgasms is adaptive — a convenient and expedient lie that can make everyone feel good. Feel good psychologically, that is.

I have a friend, for example, who has a secret photo album on his computer of his girlfriend Photoshopped in various different ways to make her look more attractive. It may be all fake and objectively sad, but, for a moment, the world can seem a little better than it really is.

Comments

  • JHF

    A. Is this article an elaborate Stunt to get a boyfriend ?

    B. Why do you write articles like this every now and then ?

    C. Did you ever think the voice of those who retain some measure of morality are actually repulsed by such sexually charged articles ?

    d. What does this have to do with a college news paper ? Do you think it reflects well on the school ?

    Unrelated: What do you think about the state sovreignty movements and the rise of militias ? Could it be related to America's moral meltdown ? ie disgusted people just looking to get away from it all in Idaho ?

    http://reasonradionetwork.com/?p=2312

  • student

    This is absolutely hilarious and well-written. And I'm sure there are some nice moral people in Idaho who would agree.