No regimen or routine can tame me, Molly Green

“Left, left, left, right, left.”

“Army of one.”

“Be all you can be.”

-Various Chants of Army

I recently acquired a plant. Plantus is growing at an extraordinary rate! Every morning I bound out of bed to water him from a special cup. And then I take a picture of him, to document his progress. Hopefully by the time I am done making a flip book from the pictures, I will know what species Plantus is.

I tell you what, it is always an adventure around me!

Soon after I adopted Plantus, I realized he wasn’t just like any old pet or friend. He would require frequent care, love and attention. This was the real deal. I needed routine. I needed regimen.

(I feel obliged to mention that Plantus is not my sole reason for trying to get my life into some kind of order. A lesser reason is that I am trying not to fail Yale. Additionally, a pal told me that the more hours filled up in the iCal, the fewer hours of emptiness.)

In order to design my regimen, I drew on army influences. A highly regimented lifestyle is what people do in the army. One of my besties is in ROTC. Her name is Cadet Hernandez. Cadet Hernandez has routine all right! She does hours of personal training a day, and urinates first thing every morning when she wakes up.

In order to get a taste of this lifestyle, I enrolled in Boot Camp, a class at Payne Whitney. Monday and Wednesdays are now the DAYS OF PAIN. The only redeeming thing about this class is watching its participants. This one girl in the front row is not human. She does all the moves like Terminator with ankle weights. She has Calves of Death.

This week I was watching someone who was really struggling with the exercises. She was panting as she gallumphed along in spandex.

(Dear Reader, it was me!!)

In addition to Boot Camp, my regimen dictates early to bed and early to rise. My body has become so accustomed to going to sleep before 1 a.m. that it can no longer function past the assigned time. In eleventh grade, one of my friends always was in bed by 11. But on prom night he’d been out past 2 a.m. He hadn’t had a single drink, but he was tipsy on fatigue. As he left the after-party I called out, “Suck my ding-dong,” just as a casual farewell. He replied, tossing his faux-leather jacket over a slim shoulder, “One of these days, Molly. One of these days.”

Last night I fell asleep in my common room at 12:30 a.m., while working on a problem set with several companions. I utilized a similarly memorable exit line, stating simply as I left, “I must go.”

My regimen includes other things which include: using facial toner, eating oatmeal and wearing the pajamas that I got for Christmas every night. These pajamas have been described as ruffled, boxy, shapeless, adorable and Pepto Bismol. Guess which one my mom said!

An additional part of my regimen is going to Spanish class every morning. This means that I get to begin every day with a small dose of humiliation. Yesterday my professor asked for interesting scientific news from the weekend. I ached to tell him that a naked mole rat species was discovered to be immune to pain. When I translated this to Spanish in my head, it sounded something like, “Scientificas discoveron los ‘naked mole rats’ que ‘NO FEEL PAIN.’” Needless to say, I remained silent, and mi professor y mis amigos de clase remained uninformed about this rare and powerful breed.

The problem with regimen is that it can be easily disturbed. The rain really threw me off this week. I had to use my umbrella, but luckily I lost it after Spanish and thus was able to return to my usual routine of both hands in pockets — only wet. Unfortunately, someone left an umbrella in my math class and I was forced by the gods to confiscate it in order to restore the natural order. (The godlies do not seem to care about my routine. However, if I were to munch ambrosia after making sweet love to Vulcan in his fire cave, I dare say I would not concern myself with a young mortal’s quest for regimen.)

On Thursday I had a lot to do, but if I had followed my dictated routine I would have been fine. But I got caught up reading a Vintasy* for three and a half hours.

Oh well!

*erotic fan fiction, Vin Diesel themed

Molly Green wrote this column using an outline.

Comments