Hot pink gelatinous vibrator love

It’s March: The three lovely ladies of the scene desk have been ensconced in the YDN building for six months now, and we’re all still single. We’re sure this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that we all sacrificed our hedonistic Thursday nights to the production of this fine publication. We’ve reluctantly traded our sketchy saliva swapping for sleazy, unfulfilling affairs with our sticky keyboards.

But there is an upside. Thanks to our positions of privilege, we now have a vibrator.

An iPod-powered vibrator.

Now how did three lucky girls come into the possession of said vibrator? The story begins at the turn of the millennium.

There was once a scene sex columnist named Natalie Krinsky ’04, now of “Chloe Does Yale” infamy, who wrote on topics such as “the state of deflation,” cock block and the delicate issue of oral etiqutte. See “Spit or swallow? It’s all about the sauce” for more details.

Although Ms. Krinsky graduated nearly three years ago, certain companies — including one dubbed OhMiBod — still send her tokens of their affection. This is how scene came into the possession of the OhMiBod vibrator. Plugged into an iPod nano — size does matter, just not the way you thought it did — the OhMiBod is designed for coordinated listening pleasure. Literally.

The white wand vibrator base is designed to be ensheathed in a “pinkie,” a fluorescent, gelatinous, veined approximation of a penis. After the pinkie has been applied, it’s almost ready to go.

The OhMiBod does not normally come equipped with two double-A batteries but, seeing as the fine people at OhMiBod wanted to take care of our every need, the package came complete. Mostly.

They unfortunately neglected to include a condom. According to OhMiBod’s founder, the nature of the pinkie’s polymer consistency is such that it must be used with a rubber. And it’s true, trust us.

While we think it’s wonderful that the OhMiBod creators are encouraging safe sex with vibrators, we would like all future press kits to include condoms. Put your money where your mouth is.

The final component of the OhMiBod is a matching garter to hold the iPod while the OhMiBod is in use. This holster was painstakingly crafted by sweatshop workers in China. We’re sure they were told they were making something special.

We agree.

There’s just one problem: They’re three of us and only one OhMiBod.

Two of us still need boyfriends.

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