If only we all could be so glamorous

A candlelight memorial service in honor of Vicki Lynn Hogan, known to most as Anna Nicole Smith, will be held this evening in the Grand Ballroom of the New Haven Geriatric Institute next to the Omni Hotel. A reception at the Cracker Barrel will promptly follow.

Dress code for the service is semi-animal print, and refreshments, including Snack Pack pudding and appetite-suppressing soft drinks, will be provided courtesy of TrimSpa. The venue will also house a silent auction of “The Anna Nicole Show” season DVDs, a musical tribute of “Candle in the Wind” performed by esteemed interior designer Bobby Trendy and free on-site paternity tests. Donations will go to the recently established “Anna Nicole Smith Foundation,” an organization that provides educational opportunities for underprivileged adults.

The details of her death are in the process of being confirmed. It was reported that she was found unresponsive in the presidential suite at the exclusive Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino wearing last season’s ever popular Juicy Couture jumper/hoodie two piece — covered at the time in pearly vomit and confetti-like accents of half-digested prescription pills — and a pair of matching Jimmy Choo pumps (also worn by Lindsay Lohan at the 2005 silver screen premiere of “Just My Luck”). A preliminary autopsy has confirmed that the pair of rose-motif cloisonne earrings she wore post-mortem are indeed from Target’s Luella Bartley line, though the speculations concerning the questionable “Birkin” tote have yet to be verified.

Smith is survived by her black poodle, Sugar Pie, her white, three-month old daughter, Dannielyn, and vials of Jewish semen in her refrigerator.

Refusing both burial and cremation, Smith’s remains will be deep-fried.

Joe Aphinyanaphongs is in mourning: sitting at a lonely bar nursing a bottle of TrimSpa.

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