Dear Harvard, publicly enjoy yourself. Love, Yale.

Some questions have been vexing man for centuries.

Is there a God? (Yes, he just hates you.)

Why did dinosaurs go extinct? (Chuck Norris killed them all.)

Who will do Playboy first, Christina Aguilera or Britney? (Britney, because Christina will skip straight to Penthouse.)

What happened to Gin Blossoms? (Like other early ’90s fare such as Ninja Turtles, Spin Doctors, Aunt Becky from Full House, Boyz II Men and Marc Summers, they were sucked into an alternate universe. In this universe, it’s still 1994. That universe is known as “The South.”)

How much longer until Tom Brady comes out of the closet? (I thought he already did.)

Who let 50 Cent make a movie? (Actually, he didn’t make the movie, Eminem did. It was called “8 Mile.”)

Why am I oddly attracted to the new Martha Stewart? (Maybe it has something to do with prison sex.)

Who actually contributes to Wikipedia? (The same people who Google pictures of Dakota Fanning.)

What is Albert Pujols’ real age? (34.)

Will Yale beat Harvard? (Yes, if by “beat,” you mean “lose to.”)

Is everyone from Harvard a douche? (…)

I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I definitely know the answer to that last question. And that answer is “Yes. It’s a festering cesspool of douches.”

You see, Harvard’s a fun place. Just ask anyone who goes there. Ask them how much fun the Wyclef Jean concert was. Oh wait, it was canceled. Well, just ask anyone who went to the Game last year — not drinking beer was awesome.

Harvard is fun. Right, and Billy Joel hates singing about the Cold War.

In light of this, the unusually high level of depravity in the Harvard populace is understandable (but that doesn’t mean it is justified).

This is why the pathetic Crimsonites will come to Yale in droves this weekend. It’s their only chance to have fun all year. Even if they are mugged by a youth on a bike, it will be better than a typical Harvard weekend. And the best part is, they have to drive back for “School on Mon-day” clap clap clap-clap-clap.

As the saying goes, you can take the douche out of Harvard, but he’s still a douche (See: Ted Kaczynski, Al Franken, Michael Dukakis, Alger Hiss, Bill O’Reilly, etc.). So I have compiled some tips to help Harvard students act less douchey when they are faced with foreign situations this weekend:

1. Let’s start with the basics. Don’t be scared of those big metal cylinders with the black tubing. I know you have probably never seen them, since they weren’t allowed at your tailgate last year. They are kegs. A keg is filled with beer. Using a complex hydraulic system, it can be pumped, and then beer shoots out. (Sounds kinda like what I did with your mom last night. Count it!)

2. Beer is an alcoholic beverage. You drink alcoholic beverages, and they make you feel good and do stupid things like touch Harvard girls. So drink the beer. Don’t be alarmed by the slightly bitter taste; in fact, embrace it. Just follow our lead. If you’re neither a sloppy mess nor making out with a sloppy mess by the end of the night, your trip to The Have was a failure.

3. You may not know what everyone is yelling about. Well, chill out, Brick, we’re not yelling about anything, we’re yelling because we are drunk. You and your douche friends that were playing XBox in Mather last year didn’t understand that having fun includes getting drunk and making loud noises, especially in the wee hours of the night.

4. The person who got the two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders arrested for having sex with each other in a bar bathroom probably went to Harvard. Lesson? If you see two girls having sex with each other in the Toad’s bathroom, do not call the police. Unless they are two Harvard girls. Then, make sure they are charged with bio-terrorism.

5. Bring plenty of funnels, beer pong tables and other drinking game paraphernalia to the tailgate. Drinking games everywhere!

6. Continue tailgating after halftime. Any “cops” that tell you to stop are actually just confused townies who forgot to take off their Police Academy Halloween costumes. Don’t listen to them.

7. When you wake up Sunday morning, it might burn when you pee. Those red sores are what I like to call “love blisters.” Don’t worry, they’ll be gone in about a week, which means when you go home for break your significant other won’t suspect a thing. (Wow, you Harvard douche, you would still have the same partner from high school. Move on. Seriously.)

With frats going on double-secret probation for drinking, tailgates being restricted, and Toad’s getting raided (on that night, news of the raid spread faster than Paris Hilton’s legs during a Portland Trailblazers sex party), things may seem pretty grim here. Yet with all of these shortcomings, Yale is still more fun than Harvard.

I hope my tips help in our efforts to share some fun (and bodily fluids) with our visitors from the North. Let’s make sure the only question on a Cantab’s mind Sunday morning will be “what the hell happened last night?”



Carl Willott douches with pale ale.

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