The personal politics of teeth

I’m teething at the ripe age of 22, spitting blood and cursing wisdom. As many of those close to me can attest, the intense amount of pain that my impacted teeth have brought me has put me in perhaps the most irritable mood of my life, which is saying something, as those aforementioned people can also verify. Therefore, as much as I’d like to eulogize the importance and vitality of Johnny Ramone’s legacy, I have to focus my acute eye on something far more easily expressible in this state, and that is the imcomprehensibly vast level of loathing that I have for the current administration.

When I sat down to write this column, I initially wanted to write about political music throughout history, discussing wonderful songs like Bob Dylan’s “Masters of War,” Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA,” and Neil Young’s “Rockin’ In the Free World.” They’re all great songs that hold immense power born of their restrained ambiguity. None of the songs, with the exception of Springsteen’s Vietnam reference, get specific with regard to their objects of disdain, and that is why they remain potent to this day. I was amazed at how fresh Young’s song sounded at the end of Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11,” some 15 years after it was recorded. But alas, the atavistic politics of greed indeed have again begun to wrap their fat, swollen hands around the consumptive throat of America’s poor working class. This time, however, it appears that the son’s ambition has minimized the atrocities of his father, but I digress. As I mentioned, I intended to concentrate on the validity of political music, but my hatred for the opposition’s dubious, blind patriotism demands that it be lampooned.

Some of the president’s supporters in the entertainment industry need not be mocked, for their mere image could give you the church giggles. For instance, to ridicule and deride Kid Rock would prove feeble. If I even dared deign to debate his relevance, I would be as tongue-tied as the loser at the end of “8 Mile” because it seems as if the man himself has beaten me to it. The deluge of adjectives that would have invaded my brain to describe such a spectacle would have immediately evaporated once it became clear that he revels in his own ignorant absurdity. The same goes for Jessica Simpson; she just loves being a moron. Maybe the biggest stalwart they could offer would be Gene Simmons. Here’s a smart Jewish guy who already understands the principles of parody and the power of irony. Or so I thought. On QVC a few months ago, he hocked a legitimate KISS coffin that could double as a cooler. The only reason I know that it was a bona fide coffin was that he was asking 10 grand for it. Honestly, you couldn’t make up stuff like this if you tried.

As for contemporary political songs for the right, one need look no further than Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue.” I don’t really understand how something so hilariously troglodytic could infuriate so many of us on the left. The pay-off line is actually “We’ll put a boot in your ass/It’s the American Way.” Nothing in that sentiment supports the fact that this man actually walks around with clean, unscraped knuckles. Actually, terms like “knee-jerk reactionary” or “foppish brute” should not be used to describe this sort of being. He is, after all, obviously very “special” and “exceptionally gifted,” and it would be beneath us to insult him, so I’ll just say, “Keep it up, Toby. You’re doing a great job!”

I am not overtly political, or an overzealous demonstrator, so you can forget about finding any sort of assertion and defense of policy; I’m too lazy for that, and, given the amount of Vicodin my dentist keeps shoveling into my bloodstream, I would definitely not be able to verbally express the intricacies of my personal politics until well after the election. Whenever somebody tells me that they’re undecided, I can only offer one simple aphorism that I have developed regarding their vote: Forget about ideology — voting for President Bush in this election is just irresponsible. True, one could say it is also absurd, ignorant, foolish, mindnumbingly irrational and so on, but mostly it’s just irresponsible. Many of Bush’s proponents use the old adage “don’t switch horses in midstream,” but if your horse has started bucking like a electrified bull, I suggest you bail swiftly.

If any of these people do, in fact, understand anything that I am saying about them (doubtful), hey! Don’t blame me, blame the teeth. They’re getting pulled next week anyway, hopefully with your candidate soon to follow.

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