October 16th, 2013 | Cross Campus

The art of the screw

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Photo by Harry Simperingham.

Screw season has once again settled over the campus. Love and awkwardness are in the air. Each year for a swathe of time in the fall, hundreds of Yalies funnel their creative energy into browsing ID photos on Yale Facebook and executing elaborate set-up schemes to help their suite-mates find a one, true screw date. But in a sea of couples, it takes going the extra mile to stand out. XC sat down with pairs of students to hear their most bizarre and interesting screw set-up scenarios.

Star-crossed lovers
The misadventured piteous overthrows of this particular couple were enviable, but possibly also fatal: “You are to come to the TD courtyard… bring a rope with a hook, throw it into the second window of Entryway E, and scale the wall. You are to have a rose in your mouth, thorns and everything.” These were the actual instructions given for the romantic meet-up, and yes, they were followed through to the letter.

My kingdom for more a capella!
Most students probably bear some secret desire of living a Disney movie fantasy — only this couple has had the particular fortune of actualizing these desires. The two dates “started on opposite sides of Old Campus” and sang ‘A Whole New World’ to each other until they met in the middle. On a campus so well-practiced in the art of a capella, such a task was likely inevitable.

…or perhaps not
But life doesn’t always work out as well as the movies do. Case and point — the scene is Branford common room, where a to-be Disney prince “got up and started singing.” Yet no date arrived even after a minute or two. The prince had to stop, with “everyone… staring at him” and no princess to show. Lesson learned: always double check to make sure that you’re not singing in the “wrong common room.”

Where the laundry trail leads…
In the days before “laundry trail” might refer to the hunt for the poopetrator, students reenacted the old fairy tale where Hansel & Gretel laid down crumbs of bread to find their way home. Replace Hansel with a screw-hopeful and bread crumbs with her date’s clothing and “delicates,” and you have a meet-up even the poopetrator would find romantic. After following the path of laundry, the young woman was ultimately led by the trail to the arms of her date.

Jailbirds
Embarrassing oneself in front of strangers seem to be a screw, or a college, rite of passage. This particular gentleman was required to bind his hands with handcuffs and prowl Old Campus “asking girls some raunchy question.” The right girl for him would have the key to his handcuffs, and presumably his heart. Think of it like Keira Knightley having the key to Orlando Bloom’s heart at the end of Pirates of the Caribbean, just without the Kiera Knightley and the Orlando Bloom.

A saxy seduction
Your high school musical extracurricular serves one function at college and one function only — the screw date set-up. While many students employ their Certificate of Merits to spoof Say Anything each year, there is one instrument that ensures a consistent standout— the saxophone, or for these purpose, the Sexy Screw Sax. The scene: Old Campus. The instrument: The Saxophone. The song: The Sexy Sax Man Serenade. The result: Ten minutes of sexy screw sax serenading.

The classic Mad Libs set-up
Last of all is this enduring classic. For the screw-date one-size-fits-all formula, use: “Your date will be wearing” an (insert clothing item here) “out on” (insert location) “at” (insert time).

As the saying goes, it’s either a good screw or a good story.