February 12th, 2013 | University

Students petition Lorimer for pope

Yalies have drafted an official petition to the White House urging President Barack Obama to nominate University Vice President and Yale’s Holiest Celebrity Linda Koch Lorimer to the papacy.

The petition was created after Lorimer announced that classes would be canceled on Tuesday, marking the fourth time classes have been canceled this academic year. Before Superstorm Sandy this October, Yale had not canceled classes in 34 years. This morning, Pope Benedict XVI made the equally shocking announcement that he was resigning from the papacy, effective Feb. 28, making him the first pope to resign from the position since 1415.

That the two seemingly impossible events should take place just hours from each other suggests divine orchestration.

Lorimer has been known to inspire ecstatic behavior among the undergraduate population. On receiving her emails, students have been reported to raise their hands in praise, chanting in unison elated phrases such as “Sunday night Toads!”

The petition for Lorimer as pope has been circulating rapidly through Facebook and YaleMail, as have a number of other memes depicting Lorimer as a divine figure. For instance, in recognition of Lorimer’s miracle-working powers, several Yalies have Photoshopped the vice president’s head onto various depictions of Christ.

As of 8 p.m. this evening, the petition had acquired only 23 signatures, far short of its goal of 100,000 by March 13. I urge you to recognize the divine among us by adding your name to the cause.