October 16th, 2012 | University

Berkeley crowns stealthiest student

Less than two months into his Yale career, Charly Walther ’16 has achieved the sort of everlasting glory that has catapulted him into the pantheon of illustrious Yalies who achieved fame before receiving their diploma.

An email from the Berkeley College Council Tuesday afternoon crowned Walther the champion of the residential college’s annual game of “Assassins,” in which students are assigned “targets” who they must “attack” with a sticker. As part of his prize, Walther won $60 and will have his name eternally mounted on a plaque displayed in Berkeley’s Mendenhall Room.

Will Meyerson ’13, the runner-up, was crowned the college’s second-stealthiest individual.

In an exclusive email interview with the News, Walther described how he claimed victory. Read below:

The week before Assassins began, I started with extra units of push-[ups] and sit-ups. One day, I saw the Berkeley dining hall lady catching a fly with her chopsticks. Since then, we met every night, and she taught me the art of attaching the R.I.P. stickers most effectively to my victims. I also ordered “How to disguise like a Ninja” on Amazon, but the [United States] Post Office told me the book had just disappeared. After a few nights on the streets in New Haven neighborhoods, I felt quite well prepared for my quest.

The key to victory, though, was the team of spies that I had hired. They were disguised as German upperclassmen, a Chinese chess player, a cheerleader and her cheer-boyfriend and a Master’s Aide. With the help of their power, not even my strongest enemy Will [Meyerson] could escape his fate. In a final showdown [held] between the Berkeley Common Room and the library, we both took our matrix-esque fighting stance and, within a second, I crushed him like the dining hall lady crushed the fly.

I dedicate this victory to [Berkeley] Master [Marvin] Chun and my mama.

Who knows what the future holds for this promising freshman — will it be in politics, in education, in the CIA? We can only guess.