January 27th, 2012 | Magazine

What If We Agreed To Pretend I Was Qualified?

‘Tis the season. The snow is almost off the ground and most of the freshman fellowships for summer work were due in December. Still, I’d love to go to a fellowship-writing workshop – just not the one on that particular Thursday. Or that Tuesday. Or that Saturday… wait, that’s all of them? Help! I want to workshop! What else can I workshop?

My RESUME! Genius! Now, where is that old resume of mine… aha! Let’s see what I’ve got here – looks like a cover letter:

“To the placement officers of Safeway…”

OK. Not the best start. Especially since I didn’t get that job. What’s the hardest, most impressive thing I’ve done since then? I got into Yale! Genius! I mean, what could all the other applicants possibly have accomplished in the last four years of their lives? Especially those Yale College seniors – they were probably at Toad’s every Wednesday. I feel sorry for the Bridgewater and Goldman Sachs recruiters who have to weed out that sort of chaff to get to people like me.

So what did I do with my first semester of college, with all the limitless possibilities Yale has to offer? Financial… no. Leadership… no. Tech start-up… I would have taken Intro to Programming, but it clashed with DS. Writing… yes! Perfect! Lots of publications! Blogs, print, long, short – I totally have a skill set!

Now let me find those last ten emails from the Yale Journalism Initiative; at nine possible internships per newsletter, that’s…

(Four hours later.)

Recent interns have included recent graduates and graduate students… Nine-month international training program… Full-time position… Preferably, experience on a major news website – wait, does the Globalist count? It’s about the whole world! People read us all the way from Blue State on Wall to Blue State on York – ugh.

Maybe I’m approaching this all wrong. It’s time to apply some logic to this thing – that’s why I’m in DS, right?

First Premise: To obtain an internship, one must first possess experience.

Second Premise: To obtain experience, one must first serve as an intern.

Conclusion: “To the placement officers of Safeway…”