Magazine | 1:55 pm | November 7, 2011 | By Lauren Oyler

Writing fast is really hard!

Is there a job out there that requires me to look at as many pictures of Zooey Deschanel as possible?
Is there a job out there that requires me to look at as many pictures of Zooey Deschanel as possible? Photo by The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas.

It’s the end of daylight savings time, and once again all of our extremely witty and original professors can have a nice chuckle about the fact that we get an extra hour to work on whatever nonsense was conveniently due on the Monday after the end of daylight savings time. Awesome. Now the quickly darkening sky matches my quickly darkening outlook on life. I wonder if anyone’s made that joke yet. Probably. Everyone on the Internet is faster at thinking of jokes than I am because I’m too busy being bogged down with this “school” business.

Instead of using my extra hour to catch up on poststructuralist theory or the conceptions of the body in Paradise Lost or whatever, I spent it scrolling through hundreds of reblogged tumblr pictures of Zooey Deschanel in various little-girl dresses and listening to the 700 different remixes of “Levels” by Avicii. Because my plans for post-graduation consist of “like, blogging or something,” I can’t help but wonder if this what the futures holds in store for me. If so, I’m super pumped.

This kind of mindless Internet browsing has led me to really consider what it means to have the desire to write stuff on the Internet and the (seemingly conflicting) desire to write really good stuff. I realize I should be able to write fast and write well, that I’m being a whiny little baby, but it’s really hard! Like, I bet the writers of Hello Giggles would say something besides “Everything is happy and nice! Quit leaving mean comments on our happy and nice articles, meanies!” and “Read Mindy Kaling’s book!!!!!!!!!” and “Check out this yummy recipe for Red Bean Fauxlafel Tacos!!!!” if they had more time to think about what they’re actually writing in the thousands of posts they put up every hour. They might even have time to check for dangling modifiers. Not that I’m one of those disgusting grammar people who thinks less of someone for the occasional misuse of “your,” but like, come on! Doesn’t it say something about the state of fake journalism today that lame stuff like this is read by 42,419 Twitter followers, plus a bunch of other losers who haven’t yet figured out that Twitter is a thing? What if the boring-but-go-getting types get to my genius ideas before I have a chance to put my Ryan Gosling gifs aside and write them?!

On an eerily related note, this article in the Atlantic about how to write fast and prolifically just came up in my Twitter feed, so, erm, I’ll just get back to work now.

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